Wifey Wednesday: Hope in Change

I found this sticky note on my desk. I don't know where the idea came from or if it is a quote, but I obviously wrote it down for myself as an encouragement. This is what it says:

If you don't change, nothing will.

This maxim can apply to most every aspect of life. If things are going badly it is very rare that you can change anything but yourself and your participation in the problem. How often are we able to rewrite our job description, makeover our coworkers or our children to make the situation better? Rarely! Almost never, in fact.

Most problems are only solved by a reworking of ourselves. So in any given situation we must ask ourselves:

How can I change?

We can usually change our attitude, our actions, or both. In fact, changing our actions often leads to a change in attitude, so it is often best to focus first on our behavior. In a marriage, this is a vital piece of information to have--especially in those "for worse" moments our vows talk about. You can change your attitude by changing your behavior.

Really? Yeah, really. Just try it some time.

In fact, try it for simply two weeks and see what happens. Pick some little something that your spouse has asked you repeatedly to do that you've not bothered to ever do. It might be to put the toilet paper around on the holder in the other direction. It could be to brush your teeth before coming to breakfast. It might be to actually stop and listen when he's talking instead of simply pretending to listen. For two weeks, do that thing, whatever that thing is.

But don't do it resentfully. Don't begrudge the toilet paper it's new position every time you have to grab it. Do the new deed generously with the intention to please your spouse. That's what I mean. Let yourself feel a bit of a thrill of generosity and good-deediness as you brush your teeth half an hour before your usual time. Pat yourself on the back for being a good spouse while you put down that iPhone and give your full attention to your beloved. Say to yourself, "See? I'm a good listener!" and then listen.

 You'll see in that span of two short weeks that you can power your way through the behavior change. You can feel, rather quickly, that your heart will be softened a bit toward your spouse. But, in two weeks, you won't see any real changes or any real healing in any given area.

That sort of work takes time, effort, and much prayer. But this sort of change in so short a span of time should be enough simply to give you hope that in more time and with more effort things can really change. Knowing that you are the instrument and the object of the change that has to occur is truly empowering. Old habits have massive inertia and marriages can get ground up beneath them, but if two weeks can make even a small dent, just think what you and God can manage with a little more time and effort.

There's a lot of hope in the fact that if you don't change, nothing will.

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2 Quick Cures for Your Moody Marriage

Marriage has its moods over the years just
like you and your spouse do from day to day. So how you feel about your marriage at any given moment is not necessarily how you will feel about your marriage down the road.

That sounds like very good news if you are in the doldrums or the argue-about-everything season, and yet it sounds a bit ridiculous when you are in the warmth and satisfaction of the honeymoon season. With a marriage so new and fresh you can't imagine ever feeling anything but a happy love for your beloved. (Yes, newlyweds, we oldlyweds remember!)

The takeaway here is that your feelings about your marriage will change, so don't rely on them to judge the health of it. It is perfectly normal for every marriage to have its ups and downs, even the healthy ones. A happy marriage is one that is generally happy, not specifically happy in this particular instant in time. So, newlyweds, as you transition from a newlywed to an oldlywed, don't forget this!

In your own brokenness you give and receive love.
Your marriage is no different.

Always remember that your feelings are not the arbiter of the health of your marriage. Don't panic if you feel less enthusiastic about things from one day to the next. Marriage is one of those lifelong tasks. In fact, marriage is a vocation. As such, God is using your marriage to transform you into the person He created you to be. That takes time. That takes effort. That effort creates discomfort. Discomfort breeds discontent. Therefore if you are feeling unhappiness or worse about your marriage, it is very likely that some heavy duty work is being done in your soul. In that case, here's a couple of quick cures for what ails you:

1. Stop complaining!
Don't complain about your feelings to your spouse, your friends, or even to yourself. Complaining is a bad habit that we fall into and it does more harm than good. When you are complaining you are not looking to solve any problems but are instead merely trying to blow off some emotional steam. Complaining won't relieve your feelings. Instead complaining reinforces and underscores negative feelings and so increases and breeds them rather than relieving them. Complaining will only bear bad fruit.

To break the complaining habit, substitute it with prayer. When you feel the urge to complain tell God you are being tempted to complain. Ask Him to help you through the moment and to transform your outlook so you can stop feeling so frustrated about things.

2. Start rephrasing!
If you are tempted to complain to or about your spouse, it may be a sign that there is a problem. The root of the problem may not ultimately be a communication issue, but working at communication will certainly help the problem. So the next time you are discussing that particular issue you are tempted to complain about focus on what you need to hear from your spouse on this issue rather than what you need to say about it. Rephrase what you think they are saying and ask, "Is this what you mean? Help me understand what you are saying."

Both of these "Quick Cures" will help you to get outside of your own head and out into the fresher air of reality. We get so caught up with our own interpretation of facts and events that we sometimes need to step back in order to gain perspective. By transforming complaining into praying you are inviting in the heavenly perspective. You are welcoming God back into the covenant you made in His name. By focusing on your spouse's attempts to communicate you are gaining perspective into your spouse's take on any given problem. You will be surprised at how much different the situation will look like from those vantage points.

If anything, God and your spouse will remind you of the love you feel underneath all those other emotions. That always helps.


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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Marriage Doesn't Fulfill You, It Transforms You

When I was only 14 my great grandmother gave me the greatest piece of advice I ever received about marriage. She said, "You don't start being married until you threaten to go home and he threatens to let you. Then you settle in." From that I learned that it's tough, but that it's also doable. I also learned that a sense of humor about it all never hurt either.

Nowadays, we have many silly ideas about marriage. We think that it is going to fulfill us, complete us, make us happy, and if it doesn't we're free to go. It may surprise you to learn marriage isn't designed for fulfillment. Marriage is a vocation, not a hobby or a real life version of a feel good summer movie.

Marriage is designed to tear down all your imperfections and build you into a new being: a married person. Marriage was meant to completely transform your heart from its self centered, self serving existence into a heart who loves and serves Christ first and Christ completely via service to a spouse and then via service to the children that come of the union.

We modern thinkers have forgotten that heart surgery always hurts. Always.

The good news is that you can and will find all that fulfillment and happiness you are looking for. The bad news is that you won't find that person who meets your every need and completes you in your spouse. You'll find that in the Eucharist Lord and in prayer and nowhere else.

What you will find in your spouse is a flawed human person. If this person is willing to hold your hand when you get that 3 a.m. phone call (those are never good) or who will scrape the ice off your windshield each and every winter, you've got something pretty good. So what if the trash never makes it to the curb on time on trash day?

If you take your marriage as the gift that it is rather than the ideal that you want, you just might discover you have something everyone else is longing for: a person committed to a life with you. You are loved and you love. That in itself is a miracle. The vows you took ensure that two flawed people can manage to pull the rabbit out of the hat day after day. That's really the magic of a life long marriage: the ancient art of never ever stopping being married.

My advice might not be as good as my great grandmother's, but it's this: don't expect so much from your marriage. Expect the best from God and make room for all the rest. You're a flawed person married to another flawed person. This is a person you can love and honor and serve all the days of your life because you love God so much that you'll keep your promise to Him through him.


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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Wifey Wednesday: Enjoy the Holidays

Nothing says frantic to me quite like the Pinterest and magazine spreads of November and December. Those glamor shots of centerpieces and perfectly pinched pie crusts, ornately wrapped homemade gifts arranged artfully on a tray for the guests of a festive formal holiday party with signature drinks and home-baked gingerbread houses as decor are the peer pressure of the digital age. Even if you do manage to pull off a party mid-December, the pictures pointedly ask you, "Did you take the time to individually wrap your antique book collection with color coordinated wrapping paper to add punch and sizzle to your bookshelves? No? Well, we won't judge."

"Nobody breathe until I get a picture of this for the website!" 

My advice for the holidays is to remember them for what they really are: holy days. This time of year is the time we stop in wonder at the miracles of God. There was enough oil for one night and it lasted for eight. There was a moment when God became flesh. It's a wonder. Let's just wonder.

Sure, it's nice to celebrate that with food. Who doesn't celebrate with food? Just remember that you and your family are celebrating with God and His larger family. Don't worry about making a perfect celebration, just make a celebration. Perfection isn't our lot in this life. Relax and tone down your menu to foods your kids will actually eat. If nobody likes turkey, serve roast beef. If nobody likes to cook, order in pizza. It's your family. It's your celebration. Enjoy it.

"So dinner's running late, at least no one
will see me in curl…oh, the doorbell!"

If you, like me, enjoy the cooking and the hours of preparation and aftermath in the kitchen, remember to factor in the fact that the baby will create a hazmat diaper, the five year old will toss a tantrum, and all the kids will want to help, dinner's going to be at 2:30 and not noon, at least one pie will be burnt, and the cousin from Wisconsin will not have the manners to refrain from criticizing the biscuits. "Yes," you'll be forced to agree, "Memaw's biscuits are better than mine." Just let it be.

That's my advice. Just let it be. No matter if half your family is down with the flu for Christmas, no matter if half your New Year's Eve guests invited their own guest, no matter if the toddler stripped down to her all-together while no one was watching and marched down the aisle at Midnight Mass, that's how this particular celebration is turning out. Just let it be. (Do redress that girl, though, it's cold out.)

Relax. Have a sense of humor about it. Enjoy it. The flubs are half the fun anyway. The baby will need to be fed when the turkey button popped. Go ahead and take the turkey out and then sit and feed the baby while the meat rests. It's okay. Christ was a baby once. He's not going to mind if dinner's late. If Uncle Joe mangles the carving and there's not a piece of meat bigger than a chopstick, does it really change the fact of Christ incarnate?

Just let it be. All of this is your story for this year. You celebrated and it wasn't perfect. My family lives on the Great Plains of America, beauty here is found in the vast expanse of sky and grass or it is found in the close ups of the prairie primrose, but in between is the thistle and the goat head. You don't see those when you get real close and you don't see them when you take in the vastness of it all. If you crave perfection, think of the big picture: God incarnate, God's miraculous light. Or get in really, really close. Some years, that particular candle next to that poinsettia is as close to perfection as you can get.

Have a Happy!

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Wifey Wednesday: Thank Him

Most marriages are good. They're workable. Two average people get together hoping for the best, what could go wrong?

Plenty. Hence the Divorce rate, all my Wifey Wednesday type blog posts, and all the how-to books on marriage out there. This week, I want to be sure to pass on one of my favorite ways to keep a marriage healthy and strong:

Be grateful. Say thank you.

Obviously, neither of you is perfect. Obviously both of you need to continually strive to become better lovers, friends, companions, and Christians in order to make this marriage work, but we can get awfully discouraged by all the work we have yet to do. Don't forget to reward each other for those times you get it right or merely close enough.

Today, take a moment to think on a few things that your husband does right.

Say Thank You Just Because...

--1--  He Makes You Happy
Today thank him for just one thing that he does that is vital to your happiness. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it could be something as simple as remembering to turn on the coffee pot each morning so it's ready when you get up. Or it could be one of those important qualities in him that you love and need. For me that would be my husband's kindness. I know that no matter how frustrated or exasperated he becomes, I can count on him to be careful with my feelings. Even when he does slip up and lash out emotionally, it takes very little time at all for an apology to follow it up. (Thank you, honey! I really love that about you.) For someone else, it could be that he remembers to send flowers on your birthday or he kisses the kids goodnight every night. For others it might be that he is an emotional rock to lean on. Everyone measures their happiness differently. How do you measure yours and where does your husband measure up?




--2--   He Has Your Back
There are plenty of moments where a man steps between you and the world and tells it to back off. From the, "You listen to your mother!" moments with your children to the, "My wife called about the car and you said..." interventions with mechanics, he is there for you. He lets you put your cold feet on him at night and he holds your hand when you cry at weddings. Pick one of those many, many times he has expressed in some way his manly, supportive, and protective instincts for you, his bride, and let him know that those moments matter to you.



--3--   He Rings Your Bell

Because sex is so important to your nonverbal connection and communication as a couple as well as to his self worth as a husband, be absolutely sure to include an "When we're in bed, I go wild when you..." on your list. Don't even worry about all the blushing and giggling it might take to get the words out, he'll find that absolutely charming even as he blushes and giggles back (especially if you add, "Can we do that later?" to the end of your giggle!).

We find it easy to criticize, be so practiced at gratitude that it comes easy, too!

If you are one of those less expressive couples or if all this thanking seems awkward somehow or if you happen to be in the middle of one of those marital low spots we all experience, ask God to help you find your moments to express your thanks. Sprinkle the thanks out over the week or leave little notes for him to find, if you prefer. The important thing to remember is that we all work better when we know we are making progress. Be sure, on your journey to Heaven and to holiness, you let him know you notice the good.

The Caveat at the End: If you are struggling to find three things to be thankful for, now is the time to consider a trip to Confession, an appointment with a counsellor, and a fervent prayer to God to see your husband and yourself more clearly. If you are in the lowest of low spots in a marriage, also consider looking into a weekend retreat. I highly recommend Retrouvaille for help in turning your marriage around again. 

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

40 Days and 3 Ways to Improve Your Marriage

My husband has this amazing fall back position that I admire greatly. When the going gets rough, he gets polite. More accurately, he stays polite. He practices niceness. Raised like I was in a culture of self-indulgence, he practices self control.

This could be my husband's mantra!

More often than not, if tensions are running high and my manners have flown out the window in a huff, he's as polite and kind as ever. It's rare that his emotions get the better of him.

In our Modern Life, where Emotion is King, that sounds so unfeeling. Media pushes emotionalism. Pop psychology lauds it. Our commercial culture wants us to react to every whim with abandon. An emoting person is so much easier to manipulate and so we make much "better" consumers when our emotions take the reigns and make our decisions for us. Our current psychology has told us for decades to let our feelings out; our feelings are our Truth; our emotional life is our only authentic life. As a result we have adults with the emotional maturity of toddlers. If you feel it, do it. Don't be afraid to pitch an authentic tantrum now and then, either.

Fair warning, though, the pendulum is beginning to swing at least in psychology. Self Esteem is slowly giving way to something called Resilience. Self control is coming back into fashion, though they'll wind up calling it something more palatable and marketable (like Resilience). You might want to pick up a few skills and get some practice under your belt and lead the charge rather than run to catch up later.

40 Days and 3 Ways to Improve Your Marriage

--1--

Bite Your Tongue and Then Some

This is an oldie but a goodie. Count to 10. Take a deep breath. Get some air into the moment. If you feel like snapping at someone, try that moment of silence first. As a Christian, this is the moment to pray. In fact, if you are determined to make a real change here, you need to step up your prayer life.

Prayer: Change It Up

If you pray habitually in the more Charismatic fashion of ejaculatory or improvisational prayer--making a prayer up from the heart and heat of the moment--now is the time to add the discipline of the prepared prayer. You can write out your own, or better yet, find a beautiful prayer that speaks to the Lord in a way you need to grow spiritually, memorize it and then really and truly discipline yourself to it. For those of you who find this a new concept, Christ Himself introduced the idea of praying a prepared prayer, so you may want to start with His prayer, the Lord's Prayer, first. Really pray it. Delve into each word and plumb the depths as you spend the next 40 days making a habit of turning to prayer rather than turning to your emotions to deal with those hard moments in your day.

If you pray the prepared or prewritten prayer regularly, now is the time to begin the practice of ejaculatory prayer. Eventually you will have the habit and will be able to compose a beautiful prayer on the spot, until then God will adore your first clumsy steps like the perfect Father that He is. As you are learning, remember that a complete prayer contains praise, thanksgiving, petitions for others, repentance, and requests for ourselves. Again, it takes about 40 days to begin developing a new habit, so don't expect to be an expert at the ejaculatory prayer style right away. You can simply begin with a quick, "Jesus, I trust in You!" or even a heartfelt,  "Help me!" in the heat of any given moment. To help you practice the practice, add a few sentences of improvised conversation at the end of your regular prayers at your regularly scheduled prayer times throughout the day, too.

God will reward these steps toward Him in His way. Be on the lookout for those subtle signs of change and remember to thank Him for His good work when you see them in you.

--2--

Pay Attention

If your spouse is cranky, it's a signal. It's very likely that they need something. More sleep? More affection? Appreciation? Chocolate? Being a human being, you may suspect that you've fallen short of your husband's expectations and can call to mind a few dozen handy excuses for yourself and your behavior. But before you go down that well trodden road, try a new route. Instead of reacting defensively to a moody person, react on the offensive. Pray a quick prayer and then do something nice.

Marriage is a work of the heart
and heart surgery always hurts.

Conflict is an opportunity to make your marriage better. It's a signal that it's time to work. The work of marriage is a work of the heart and you and I both know that heart surgery hurts. HURTS. Ask God for the bravery and the strength to endure the truth about your shortcomings and the necessity of your spouse's needs, and then set about setting those above yours.

Whoa! Hold It!

Yeah, I know! In an ideal world that idea of putting your spouse's needs above your own would not be a scary one. Ideally, every he would be serving every her and every she would be serving every him, and everyone's needs would be more than adequately met. In the real world, this will take trust, practice, and a whole lot of Grace to even approach equity. Let's face it, getting two Modern Western minded spouses to acknowledge that each other's needs are even on par is a minor miracle.

Psst...that's one reason you're doing all this praying.

Simply changing your focus from yourself
to others can relieve some of that inner pressure.

This is a practice, a process. Don't get overwhelmed at the thought. Try focusing on one need at this time. Pick one important need of his and put that one need on top of your priority list. You can mentally see yourself giving one of his needs top billing, can't you? Make meeting that one need a daily habit and see what happens. Ask God to make you see the fruits of your hard work. Ask Him to reward you with an awareness of His rewards.

One of the first fruits will be a lessening of your own inner turmoil each time you take a moment to step
outside yourself to identify the needs of others. It takes a bit of the pressure off when you take the focus off of your own pressure cooker.

--3--

Give It the Full 40 Days

You tell yourself you want to be a better person. You may even say to yourself you're a good person. Where the real work happens, though, is in the practice of the preaching.

You have to do the work. You have to fail miserably. You have to start again and again. That's just how we do it. Those of you who play a musical instrument know how much bad music it takes to produce good music. Learning a new song takes a willingness to sound like a fool. It is only a seasoned musician with years of ugly music behind him who can pick up a new song and sound pretty decent on a first go. They've put in the work already.

Practice makes perfect!

Just like with my husband and I. In keeping his cool, he logged in all his practice hours before we even married. I'm putting them in now. Comparatively, he has the mastery of a maestro. Between him and the Lord, I'm screeching out the first recognizable notes of this song. In this particular aspect, I'm patiently being tutored by my betters. By following my husband's lead, I can hear how well it is supposed to go as I struggle along.

All those years of practice make it look so easy.






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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even more Wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Wifey Wednesday: Date Night Exclusive Report

Now that Mr. Baby is sleeping in five hour stretches, we are trying to rekindle the habit of Date Night. We usually window shop or picnic or something free-ish, but this week a supposedly "good" scary

movie was at the discount theater, The Conjuring (click here for Steven Greydanus' 60 Second review).

By the end of it, I was crawling up my husband's arm. In theory that's romantic, in practice, that's describing a person who was so freaked out that facing down an empty public restroom afterwards was only made possible by the terrors of a screaming bladder. On the way home and throughout the evening I processed the movie by discussing the creepy details and weighing the potential reality with the movie's reality. I commented again and again on the genius of the musical score which had lots of silent stretches that added to the realism of the experience. By bedtime, I'd analyzed and prayed my way into feeling much better. I drifted off to sleep, still chatting.

My husband, on the other hand, tossed and turned all night. We had a good scary movie experience, but romance? Not a chance.





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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even more Wifey Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Wifey Wednesday: You May Not Agree

You may not agree with the Catholic Church's view on birth control, but surely you believe in science. Look at these two articles on the dangers (for women) and the strange correlation with dementia (for men) with our modern methods of birth control.

http://www.myfemininemind.com/2012/07/things-your-doctor-may-not-have-told_25.html?m=1 for dangers to women using birth control.

http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2007/02/vasectomy.html for keeping up with the research on the correlation between vasectomy and non-Alzheimer dementias.

When you've read through that, then you might want to look into the natural alternatives to artificial birth control methods. http://www.1flesh.org/group/the-solution/

We Moderns function on the assumption that birth control and abortion are new, an evolution of science and social thought and that The Church simply can't keep up. Let me assure you that the only thing our modern age has done with the birth control industry is to mainstream and legitimize it. A woman's body has long been rendered more convenient by chemically and surgically crippling a healthy, functioning system of her body (because, really, abstaining for three days or so a month is beyond the pale). The irony of the oxymoron of sterile sex is lost on those who want to reduce the mind-blowing entirety of sex to mere orgasm.

But, hey, it's only a blog. You don't like it, don't read up on it. Take your Class 1 Carcinogen, sweetheart, and quit complaining about those nasty little side effects, will you?

3 Reasons You Should Schedule Date Nights (A Post a Day #3)

As is my usual I'm going to write on how I get it wrong so that you can get it right. One of the many ways I tend to take my marriage for granted is by shirking our Date Night.

We have endless reasons for not scheduling in a Date Night. Here are the top three...

#1  We can't afford it. Seriously, after paying for a babysitter, gas to get to town, and then dinner, we're looking at a considerable investment of family resources in order to go out each week. Instead of trying to find cheap date ideas, we tend to chuck the whole plan.

#2 We don't have the time. Like everyone, we're over committed and over stressed. By the time we get around to even thinking about going out, we're exhausted. Again, instead of looking at this time as a chance to recharge and reconnect, we tend to skip out.

#3 We take it and each other for granted. If we happen to find ourselves alone on the odd trip to the grocery store, we count it as our date. Yeah, we really do.

As Sheila Wray Gregoire over at To Love Honor and Vacuum puts it:

Your marriage is the best weapon you have in your arsenal to get through life. It is marriage that makes us feel like we can take on the world.

So why wouldn't my husband and I invest the time and money in keeping connected? It's just that if we aren't careful we take the easy way out. In other words, it's easier to take one another for granted than it is to actually and purposefully cherish one another.

Here's 3 Reasons to Stop Making Excuses and Get Out There and Flirt in Public

#1 You can't afford not to. There is too much at stake to risk losing touch. Your spouse is the most important person in your life, second only to God. At the very least, investing the time and some of your finances in a weekly date proves the priority. We value what we invest in. That can be read in two ways. When we value something we put our time and money into it. In the other sense, once we have invested time and money into something, it increases in value in our hearts and minds. We're just funny that way. Prove to yourself how much you need and desire each other by putting your precious time and money toward something you truly consider precious, each other.

#2 It's a great way to reset. Parenting, working, housekeeping all take their tole on our psyches. Life makes big demands. In order to meet those demands, you and your honey have to be on top of your game. A date is a great way to recharge your batteries. Flirting, laughing, even a simple change in surroundings and a chance to breathe without the demands of home and children for an hour or two will restore you both. You will be reconnected and better able to present a united front to the challenges of every day. Also, the break will give you a chance to catch your breath and catch up a bit. There's nothing quite like a good laugh and some hand holding to remind you of how cute that fella of yours is.

#3 It's fun! Who doesn't need the fun! The kids will tease you about wanting to go, but deep down they are excited that their parents are still in love enough to date. It's all part of the married couple dating ritual. Enjoy that, too. On the date, you will laugh. He will make eyes at you. You might even...you know. Every day you face the world together, life's a struggle. To be able to face it together, it is paramount that you also get a chance to relax and let your hair down together. He's a great guy. Take a break each week to remind yourself of how great. Have fun with that man of yours.  You won't regret it!

Here's some cheap date ideas over at Focus on the Family. I think I want to try that one where you don a fake accent for zee een-ti-yurrr date-uh!

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even Wifey-er Wednesday, click on through to To Love Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday

My husband and I are in that happy/tired state of blissfully getting to know and love a newborn. In our sleep deprived state, we are barely managing to eke out the routines of daily life as we learn to make room for the newest member of our family. It's all good. It's all worth it. Like all parents do, we're falling more deeply in love with each other as we fall in love with the baby, but as to working on the relationship? At this point, we're thrilled to find some time alone together...it means we can nap!

This is one of those times that a couple doesn't rely on words to keep the marriage going. It's enough for the next few weeks to simply smile sleepily at one another in passing. It's in these moments of married life that couples are able to rely on the grace God pours into the Sacrament, knowing that soon enough, shortly enough, things will get back on track.

In the meantime, we will pray for one another. Sometimes keeping in touch with the Lord is the best way to ensure that you want to keep in touch with your husband, even while circumstances temporarily get in the way.

Speaking of...the baby is crying. Night everyone!

Wifey Wednesday: Fitting it all in

I have been having trouble getting to the blog lately. Part of it is the business of running a family. Another part has been adjusting to the new demands of being sandwiched. Part of it, too, has been the demands of summer on a small farm, but most of it has been an inability to harness the thought process.

I sit down to the computer and have been unable to string a complete thought onto the screen. The words unravel and disperse into half formed sentences and awkward punctuation that only gets worse with editing. I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to spit it out.

My marriage is often like that. I get so distracted and busy, exhausted and pulled taut that every time I sit down to talk with my husband, nothing coherent comes out. I gibber on about this issue or that problem. I spout on about half formed plans. I blather around instead of talking about anything that fundamentally matters: our family, God, each other.

It's as if the distractions of every day life can act like a virus on the relationship. Busy-ness worms its way into the DNA of the day and writes its own code there, throwing us into a fever of activity and fretfulness.

So, what's the cure? For a Catholic, the best and probably least used cure is more frequent use of the Confessional. Nothing quite resets me like a frank and honest cataloguing of my sins and shortcomings. Another rarely used cure is the strong steady shoulder of my husband. Although I depend upon him daily for everything from opening a too tough jar to milking the goat with the crooked teat (I swear he's the only one who can manage that nanny without a milk shower or a hoof in the bucket.) I rarely just reach out for him in the heat of the fray and say, "Hold me."

The man's got a great set of shoulders to cry on, I can't imagine why I don't lean on them more. Over 13 years ago I signed on the dotted line to become a partner with him, what makes me insist upon so much self reliance? Pride, I'll bet. Lack of trust? I think I need to bring that question to Confession.

I'll do that as soon as I get my man to hold me up awhile.

Wifey Wednesday: Company Manners

You all know the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha, from the Bible. Jesus comes to visit and Mary sits at His feet to learn while Martha serves the guests. Martha gripes to Jesus about her sister and asks Him to tell Mary to get up and help. Jesus rebukes Martha about all her worries. (Pssst...from firsthand experience I can tell you, it's a trust and control issue she's got going on there.)

Because of this story we have named the confused fretfulness that sets in before company arrives as Martha Syndrome. Though some Martha Syndromes have been known to persist through dessert, it usually is sublimated into what's known as Company Manners at the arrival of the first guest.

Pre-party Martha Syndrome

The guest have arrived!
Transformation complete!

Company Manners are those special manners we only use when people are over that we want to impress. We smile more, we certainly don't yell at the kids, and we tend to other people's needs quickly and graciously.

I hate Martha. She shows up and tries to ruin every party, but I'll tolerate her so that my family and I can enjoy the fruits of company and of Company Manners.

My in-laws were out visiting from Virginia for over a week and we kept our Company Manners up the entire time. It was amazing how smoothly everything went. There were no squabbles over chores, no fights among the siblings, no clamoring for attention. It was as if the house ran itself.

It made me wonder if most of my problems in keeping the family functioning were due to my everyday manners, the not-so-special ones I pull out only in front of my family. You know, the manners that allow a bit of impatience to show when a needy family member interrupts me. The set of manners that allows mom to yell, "THERE WILL BE NO MORE YELLING IN THIS HOUSE!!"

If I know that a big part of the reason I enjoy company so much is the Company Manners, if I love the check on everyone's behavior that comes from having company, and if having a beloved guest brings out the best in me, why, oh why won't I treat Christ as my beloved guest every day? He is here, watching every little fall and stumble from grace. I have personally invited Him into my life and yet, while He's here, I treat my family (His very children), as if He weren't even there. Christ and my family deserve my Company Manners every day.

Would you please pray for me that I treat Him at least as well as I treat my Mother-in-Law?

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even more Wifey Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

Wifey Wednesday: How That Works

Though marriage predates Judaism or Christianity, it does not predate God. He created it as the means to bring forth the generations and to bring closer to Him the couples who enter into the state of it. Catholic thought refers to marriage as a Vocation, a life's work that will be the main conduit of Grace for your soul and sanctification.

It is a partnership, a calling, a cross. It is the best you can give and the blessings you will reap. Marriage is amazing. Transformative. Humbling.

Sometimes painfully so.

For example...

I've had to take on part time work to supplement our income. It's been fun and exciting. Too exciting. 

I got a bit carried away. One week of pushing the family limits of mom being away from home stretched to two weeks...to three. Finally, we got up early to see each other, we caught our breath and caught up.

He listened. He thought. Then he pulled me up short and reminded me of a few facts of life, namely that I had put money above family, that needs are very different from wants, that it is far more precious to spend time with a family than money on a family.

I felt very silly. I blushed and stammered. I even tried to justify myself at first. Then I gave myself over to the truth of what he was saying, apologized, asked his forgiveness, asked His forgiveness, hauled myself off to Confession, and started again.

A little smaller. A little wiser. A little slower.

But definetly more thankful for the man I married than ever.

That's my guy!

P.S. If you email me, I'll tell you all about my new business venture and can even help you get started on your own! (Yeah, he laughed when I read that part out loud!)

P.P.S. andychrism@juno.com

The Divorce Cure?

My son asked about adultery today and I was all ready to yank the last vestiges of media from his life to save him from the Big Bad World when come to find out he'd heard about it in Church.

"Stupid Commandments," I grumbled to myself as I tried to figure out a way to discuss sexual sin with an innocent. I punted, "It's when people act like they are married to each other when they are married to  other people."

His brows came down into a frown. "That would be bad," he said.

"It's very bad," I agreed.

It led to a discussion of divorce, naturally enough, and a promise exacted from my son to never pretend I was married to anyone but his daddy. He also promised solemnly to do the same for his wife.

I'm glad he's already thinking and praying for my future daughter-in-law. I pray for her, too. Living in a crazy world where half of all marriages end in divorce, everyone could use some prayer.

Which brings me to this startling statistic. Though the divorce rate for the general population is 50%, it is 5% for couples who practice Natural Family Planning (more on that in next week's podcast) and it is 0.3% for couples who pray together (source: Our Catholic Marriage). In other words, one couple out of 300 will wind up divorced if they take the time to pray. The couple who prays together really does stay together.

I find that heartening. I also find it terrifying.

I have been naked and frisky in front of my husband, I have been sick with all manner of illnesses, and I have both given birth and miscarried before his very eyes, but I have never felt so exposed and vulnerable than when we have opened up to God together. Let's just say that there is intimacy and then there is Intimacy.

According to Scripture it is the heart that prays and what is the heart?

The heart is the dwelling-place where I am, where I live; according to the Semitic or Biblical expression, the heart is the place "to which I withdraw." The heart is our hidden center, beyond the grasp of our reason and of others; only the Spirit of God can fathom the human heart and know it fully. The heart is the place of decision, deeper than our psychic drives. It is the place of truth, where we choose life or death. It is the place of encounter, because as images of God we live in relation: it is the place of covenant. (CCC 2563) 

Praying with your husband means bringing him there.

Kinda scary. As modern wives we're used to bringing him into our bodies, into our day to day life, even into our thoughts and hopes and dreams, but are we called to bring our husband into our very Truth, to that place in our soul where each breath God asks of us is sighed out, "Yes!"?

Yes, yes, yes.

The two shall become one, yes. We two shall become a reflection of God, a unity of Three Persons, so yes.

Couples do this, they really do. My sister and her husband do this. My neighbor does this. In fact, not praying together is kind of a modern thing with couples.

About as Modern as the 50 percent divorce rate.

There is help out there. To break the ice, you can get started with a sincere and nightly recitation of the prayer Christ taught us, the "Our Father." When you are ready to move on, there is this resource: Coupleprayer.org. It's ecumenical in nature and designed to get you praying daily. It's also just a little bit fun.

Just like we worked our way past the awkwardness of learning how to be intimate with each other as Newlyweds, we worked our way past the awkwardness of learning how to be Intimate on this level as Oldlyweds. We worked to make daily prayer together a habit. We knew it was worth it.

Seriously, bumping a 50/50 chance of success to 300 to 1 odds?  Discovering couple prayer is like finding a cure for divorce! Who wouldn't want that?

For more on Couple Prayer and some good old Christian common sense, tune in to tonight's Garden of Holiness Podcast at Deeper Truth.


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This has been a Wifey Wednesday Post. To have an even more Wifey Wednesday visit Sheila Wray Gregoire at To Love Honor and Vacuum.

Keeping It Clean in 4 Easy (Enough) Steps

Micaela Darr, a fellow blogger over at California to Korea, inspired me to write this post. I happened on her lament "I NEED HELP MANAGING THE CHAOS!!!" while perusing through the 7 Quick Takes over at Jennifer Fulwiler's Conversion Diary last Friday. I started on a comment that grew longer and longer and longer. That comment found its final form here...

I know most people don't consider a clean house a necessity in their marriage. In fact, it is very likely not on anybody's radar when we mentally compile a list of issues contributing to marital stress, but people fight about cleanliness. They really do. I've learned, after years of pretending it wasn't so important, that it was vitally important in my own marriage and family life. After a few years experience, tons of prayer, and flying around with The Fly Lady, I've learned how to manage housework at a level that makes everyone happy, including me.

It hasn't been easy. I prefer a clean house but don't mind clutter. I will gladly scrub the toilet, sweep the floor, and wash the dishes, but as long as the pile of books by the bed is dusted, I'm content. I tend to pile things up instead of put them away. My husband can live with the grime as long as the books are back on the shelf. You get the picture. I tried to convince my husband that mine was the best method and he tried to convince me that his was the best method, sometimes nicely and sometimes not. Enter my son. He has Autism. He came along seven years ago and settled the question firmly and finally: our house shall be clean AND orderly, not either or.

Sensory overload is a moment by moment occurrence for those with Autism

Because of the Autism, neatness is vital to my son's ability to think clearly. His senses do not provide orderly input. His eyes see everything, all at once. His ears do the same. Imagine trying to think while hearing the fly buzzing like a chainsaw on the windowsill, the whine of the transmission of the car passing by, the cat breathing like Darth Vader in the corner, then imagine all this while smelling the perfume in mommy's deodorant and the dog's spit as he licks a paw and this all mixed in with the acrid stench of the soap heating up in the dishwasher as it cycles like thunder through a wash. There is no volume control; his experience of any one of his senses is almost unbearably intense. With visual order, he has more mental energy to spare. He can concentrate on filtering out the barrage of over stimulation from his other senses. Without my diligence in keeping order in my home, my son spends his energy not in play or learning but in keeping his world from spinning out of control.

Since I have scrabbled and clawed my way to a "Clean Enough" house through trial and error, let me spare you some of the effort and frustration I had to experience by sharing what I've learned and where I learned it.

1. Make a List of "Daily Dos"

 The only thing that worked for me was trial and error. For weeks on end I set a timer for an hour and cleaned everything up in the public rooms (the kitchen, living room, and dining room). I wrote down what I did, monitored my son's reaction during the day, and checked in with my husband at night. "How's this level of clean? What do you notice?" I went through the room with him with my list in hand. If he noticed a job was done, I put a check by it and kept it on my Daily Dos. If he didn't notice, I pointed out the job, asking, "Do you care that this was clean?" If the answer was, "No," that job came off the daily list and was added to a Weekly Dos. If the answer was, "No, but thank you!" it stayed on. From this process we created our list of the absolute essential, do-every-day-or-annoy-my-husband chores. It's posted on our bulletin board in pencil in case any adult needs to add to it or erase from it. Like the title Daily Do implies, we do those same little jobs every stinking day.

To give you an idea of where to start making your list, I will share with you my hard-won list and refer you to the Fly Lady Page which was the inspiration for my family's list. She has her own system and lists ready made and I highly recommend reading her philosophy on cleanliness and using her system to get the house out of chaos and into order! We started there a few years ago but had to adapt that method to our family: we needed some jobs done more frequently due to the size and needs of our family.

My Daily Dos

We start with #2 as soon as our main meal (breakfast) is done. Everybody has their list of jobs to do and everyone has 45 minutes to do it in. This list keeps our house in enough order each day that everyone is relatively happy.

1.   Come to breakfast dressed and brushed (hair and teeth)
2.   Dirty dishes to the counter
3.   Wipe table
4.   Sweep under table and wipe any spills (chairs and floor)
5.   Straighten bedrooms (make beds, sweep rooms, put away toys)
6.   Sweep every floor
7.   Vacuum living room rug
8.   Wipe down bathroom
9.   Dust a room (every room gets hit eventually, including bedrooms)
10. Breakfast dishes

Just in case you think I have my act really together,
this is the actual list, torn edges and all.

In addition to this 45 minute mad morning dash, we have two 10 minute straighten ups during the day. The kids put away all their games and toys while I fold laundry or tackle my clutter spots. Anything not picked up in that 10 minutes goes into Mommy's Basket and does not come out again until Sunday or I remember, whichever comes last.

Which brings us to tomorrow's post...

Consequences: Bad and Good.

Stay tuned for that tomorrow. For today, focus on getting your list of Must Dos together before you start thinking of all the problems that get between you and the smoothly running machine you are trying to invent!

2. Divvy It up

Dividing up the chores takes some doing and the divvy list is always flexing for several reasons: kids need to learn how to do all the jobs by the time they are ready to move out on their own and Mommy needs to do every job periodically to ensure that an "adult level of clean" is attained at least weekly. We found in the process that we had to make or buy some child-sized tools (we cut a broom down to a child's shoulder height until a Godmother bought us a real, usable child's sized broom as a gift). We also found that some tools were essential to invest in and some were not worth it. Our house has one carpet in the living room and hardwood or laminate flooring everywhere else, so we invested in brooms and floor dusters and skimped on the vacuum.

Age and Ability Guidelines
A toddler can be given a basket and with some supervision play "Put That Away" games with the toys spread on the living room floor. (Mommy or an older child can be responsible for emptying the toddler basket and putting the toys where they live.) A three year old will be able to clear the table of silverware and unbreakable plates. A four year old can dust anything that is within reach. Five-year-olds can use a dust pan and even stand on a kitchen stool to scrape food scraps off the dishes before someone older loads the dishwasher. A six year old can manage a child sized broom to sweep a room (at least as long as Mommy gets in to sweep the corners out each week). A seven year old can be trusted with a nontoxic cleaner (like vinegar and water) to wipe down counter tops and doorknobs. An eight year old can plug in and run a vacuum. A nine year old can be trusted to feed and water household pets (with supervision) and even to clean up pet related messes indoors and out.

A special note on special needs
My son with Autism has his jobs, though he requires a longer learning curve and more supervision than another child his age might. My 45 minutes of work includes working with him and his jobs. He is no different than my four other children. He will one day need to run his house, too, and every human being thrives with a healthy balance of work and leisure. Please don't forget anyone and their need to work. Work and a sense of purpose is essential to our sense of belonging and well being. Even in the Garden, Adam had his work (Genesis 2). Don't leave anyone out, no matter how much work it costs you to include them!

Get started!
I work with a child who is given a new job to show them how to do it and to put some fun into it. The first time my four year old was assigned to dust my bedroom, she was filled with stories of the objects she was dusting. In particular, my husband has a picture of his deceased sister and I have a picture of my deceased brother on our respective nightstands. As we dusted, she heard about her aunt and uncle in Heaven; she asked questions and was answered. We discovered in doing this that our daughter considered the moment a rite of passage. For the first time ever, she was allowed to touch those and other treasures. The other rooms are "kid proofed" and much less interesting for that reason, but it gives you an idea of the fruits these little labors can produce.

3. Set a Timer for 45 Minutes

The kids have their lists (which are assigned weekly) and I have mine and nothing...nothing at all...happens until those things are done. No snacks, no toys, no radio, no games, no TV time. Nothing. Nada. Zip. At the end of the time our Homeschool Day starts. If a child finishes ahead of time, that child's extra time is "Free Time" to do whatever he or she wants. Most days, after about 6 weeks or so on the learning curve, my children are done before I am and are called from leisure tasks rather than a work task to begin our Homeschool Day.
 
Remember that the entire list of jobs should take no more than 45 minutes or so for Mommy to do, so none of the individual jobs should take a child that long unless they want it to. A toddler should have one job to do. A three year old one or two. A four and five year old two or three. Nothing in combination should take a child the entire 45 minutes to do once the job is learned and done diligently. In fact, my rule of thumb is no more work than 20 minutes worth for my oldest, who is nine. My list began with what it takes me 45 minutes to do uninterrupted on my own, so in the worst of days, and these will happen on occasion, I banish everyone to their rooms with a book and do the whole list myself. Trust me, that's a treat and a break for everyone, especially Mom!

As I mentioned before, in addition to the 45 minutes in the morning, there are the two 10 minute straighten up sessions that happen each day. Ours are done before dinner and before bedtime. Mommy sets the timer and all is cleaned up or it goes into Mommy's Basket and disappears. Whichever way it happens, the mess is cleaned!

And just in case some of you noticed, I've not mentioned my husband in the chore list. My husband is the kind of person who putters constantly. The trick to get him to function at a reasonable level, is to keep him from working himself until he is worn out. When I do my jobs right, he only does his.

4. Do It Daily

This is the big part of the job, the diligence. We do this every day between breakfast and the start of our school day. The only exception is Sunday, the Lord's Day. I get these jobs done even when I am sick as a dog. Frankly, I don't want to spend my recovery trying to dig out from under the piles of undone work, so it's worth spending a little under a half hour* in the morning exerting myself when I have the flu. I make exceptions for the kids during their illnesses, but since they have to lay in bed while we clean, it is the rare Martin child who wants to be left alone for that length of time unless they are sick enough to need the sleep.

*It takes significantly less time to do this on my sick days because the kids are appealed to cut the shenanigans for the sake of their poor, sick Mother, and I do more and supervise less just to get it over with!

The system isn't perfect, but it works when we work. The house still has a few clutter spots, but I try to ensure those stay out of sight. My messy desk is purposefully located in a cubby with doors I can shut when I walk away. My pile of books by my bed now lives in the bed stand that has a door to shut them behind. Since all the jobs don't take all the time we assign to them, I can tackle problem spots each day until the problem is fixed. I don't try to do everything at once and I don't try to start with a clean slate. We started where we were with the hope and the promise of improvement over time. I can promise you, from experience, that that promise proved out. The cleanliness level has improved and is improving as we go. We're at five children now and the house is kept cleaner now than it was when we had no children. The work got harder and the job bigger, but I got smarter and more diligent.

Virtue is a merely a habit of being good. My virtue has become wrapped up in my habits of serving my family and husband in lieu of myself. Cleaning at a level I do not prefer has been my call and my cross, so for me, cleanliness really is next to Godliness. Sometimes it takes everything I can give and more.

God is where I go to find more.


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This has been a Wifey Wednesday Post. To have an even more Wifey Wednesday visit Sheila Wray Gregoire at To Love Honor and Vacuum.

Order from Chaos: 3 Tips for Keeping January's Resolutions

"Let all things be done decently and in order" (I Cor.14:40)

God is a God of order. Like cold is what happens when heat is absent, chaos is what happens when God is absent. Without the hand of God, or your hand as His child, all things will revert to their original state: nothingness. The process isn't pretty. The first few stages are mere messiness and disorder. Left alone, these degenerate into chaos. Chaos ultimately ends in obliteration and annihilation.

A wife and mom is in a constant fight with the descent into chaos.

It's the oldest story out there. Creation was orderly and functioned well until we introduced the chaos of sin. After that all Hell broke loose, literally. To make a near eternal story short, if you are battling the Home Depot web page or a counter top that continually fills up with junk mail, half finished scribblings, hair ties, dog collars, dirty coffee mugs, broken crayons, unsharpened pencils, random lists and rubber bands, you can blame Adam and Eve for it.

Thanks guys!

Though, from the looks of my counter top (and no, I will not be showing you a picture of my desk), I'd be the last person to ask about organization, I do have an insight or two into the process. I know how to get organization schemes wrong, I know how to fail, and since that's about it, let me help you avoid some of the pitfalls as you enter into January's Resolution Season.

#1 Let God In
Since God created order and you need Him for that, begin any home improvement project with prayer. Don't try to go at the house on your own steam. Don't even try to go at it with some expert's scheme. None of that is going to work as well as simply starting from the premise that you can't tackle this problem alone. Face it, the Universe is spinning out of control, your counter tops and dusty baseboards are merely evidence of a problem greater than mankind. Entropy is a law you are trying to break! Which leads me to my next point.

#2 You Are Doomed

Not my actual counter...

You are going to fail. You may quit reading now or you may build into your system this humbling realization. Like we continually fall into sin and laziness in our spiritual life and need to be continually repentant and prayerful to battle that tendency, you will continually fall into it in your physical life, too. Whatever your new plans are, a new diet or a vow to keep the gas tank above a quarter tank, you are going to do very well on your new system for a few weeks and then you will slip up. No matter how diligent you think you are, one day in the dim gloom of a drizzly February day, you will look up in surprise to see that counter looking worse than it did when you started. It will hit you that you have failed and you will be tempted to look upon all the effort you put into it to change yourself and your life was a great big honking waste of time! My thinking usually sounds a bit like this, "Almighty Me has put for a bit of effort and now the job should run itself without anything more from Me. It isn't fair!" If that sounds in any way familiar or if that random Internet pic of a messy counter top is yours, swallow your pride, pray, repent, and get back to the job. That's just how that works.

#3 Be Smart and Be Lazy
Be lazy enough to understand that a little effort every day avoids the tremendous effort once a week/month/year. Putting off a job multiplies magnificently (horrifically?) the effort it takes to do the same job. You may think you are being lazy by ignoring a problem spot, but the really lazy person designs her life around the least effort humanly possible. If 10 minutes of cleanup twice a week is all that it takes to keep the counter top clear, but 5 seconds of putting away a piece of mail in the moment is all it takes, be lazy enough to pick the latter. That's just smart.

So, enjoy your New Year. Keep your Resolutions, but do so armed with the understanding that breaking an old habit of disorderliness with a new habit of orderliness is going to take time and a bit of human frailty. Always keep in mind that first thought, that God is a God of order. If you find your February beginning to bloom with the flowers of your old familiar chaos, remember that like cold is the absence of heat, chaos is the absence of God. Laxity in your physical world may be a sign of laxity in the spiritual, so begin weeding it out with prayer and repentance. That could never hurt.

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Wifey Wednesday: Fasting and Praying

Sheila Wray Gregoire is tackling a painful subject in marriage today: porn. It is an epidemic. Statistics show that even in Christian marriage where we know better, it is just as prevalent as it is in the rest of the culture. I invite you to read her posts. Before you do, I want to arm you with the arsenal of God. If you are suffering under the effects of this scourge in your marriage, I want to offer you two weapons to combat it: prayer and fasting.

Yesterday I posted about fasting and prayer and today I am posting about it again. This post is more specific to the love of your life and your family.

First, let me be clear, the love of your life is not your husband (a shocking thought). The love of your life is Love, Himself. He is the center and epitome of all you are. From cleaning up a sticky spill from a dropped bottle to quelling your temper when interrupted for the 53rd time by a colicky baby, all that you do is in service to Him who has breathed life and love into your very bones. You are His in order that you may be the hands and feet who serve the people He has brought into your life. Do not let your outrage and pain of discovering porn use in your marriage stop you from serving your Lord through your kindness to His child, your husband.

Please note that I have purposely given examples of motherhood and not wifehood in the above paragraph because we can readily see how we serve God through our children. It is more difficult for us, as enculturated as we are, to see how we also serve God through our spouses. Modern men and women have been taught that spouses are to serve us and our feelings, when in fact, true happiness lies in a life of service to others. Take for your example your Savior who came not to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45). All that talk of marriage being a two way street means that you are very likely headed in opposite directions, each of you growing more selfish instead of growing towards each other and God. Christopher West (author, speaker and authority on Pope John Paul II's work on the Theology of the Body) in describing spousal love, says that the love between man and woman, fueled by the sexual urge, is designed by God to launch us to Heaven. That sexual attraction and energy of spousal love is like...

the fuel of a rocket that's meant to launch us towards eternal bliss with him. But what would happen if those rocket engines became inverted, no longer pointing us towards that stars, but only back upon ourselves? Set that rocket off and the only possible result is a massive blast of self-destruction. (link to Christopher West)

Porn is our self-indulgent and self-centered modern American life expressed sexually. It is all about the observer, without the slightest concern about the social and personal problems infesting the porn industry: the rate of disease and drug abuse in the industry, the sex slave trade fueling it, the continuation of childhood sexual abuse that many of the actors are acting out. In fact, the actors are merely the meat of the dish. Literally, they are just bodies for the camera to film. No one cares about their story lines. It's all about the satisfaction of the observer, without the complications of any other personality. Spiritually porn use is merely a step along the way to the utter self-centeredness and desolation of Hell. It is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself.

We have gotten it so wrong that we can't even see that selfishness, the cult of me, myself and I, is the disease. We are all infected. So infected, in fact, that we can not even see the cure as a good anymore. Selflessness and service are so foreign to our way of thinking that even mentioning it brings on a barrage of criticism and ridicule.

I don't care. Call me oppressed. Call me an anti-feminist. Call me what you like. I am a Christian and I know this: the cross. It is my duty and my honor to serve and suffer there with my Lord. I am to pick it up for my fellow man, especially that fellow my Lord allowed me to particularly serve, so...

As the Lord has said that some things will not be cured except by prayer and fasting, I will tell you from personal experience that you can do something about a porn addiction: you can pray hard and you can fast often. Fast from part of a meal. Fast from one meal one day. Fast from eating one day, one time. Fast once a week. Even just once a month. Fasting is voluntarily putting yourself up on the cross for another. Do you not believe that Christ will bless that?

Remember that fasting is a process, an act in response to the faith you have received. It will not be any more perfect than any other thing you do. It is not a failure to fail at an all day fast. It is not a failure to be unable to sustain a fast for more than a few hours. It takes practice to get to the point where you can decide, "Today I will eat only one small meal." Not many people make it to that point. Instead, you can say, "I fast from those last five bites on my plate," or "I fast from any sugar or sweetener this week," or even, "I fast from saying any hurtful words during this fight."

Offer these moments of denial as a prayer that includes your very body to invite God to heal your husband's sins of the body. Stay prayerful and stay strong. In God's time, miracles happen.