Wifey Wednesday: Naggity Nag Nag

Nag at Work II

We all know that nagging doesn't work (link to the original Nag at Work post). What we might not realize is the infinite variety of nagging that we indulge in.

So, let me start with a little story...

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were getting ready to go to church when my husband made a Big Mistake. The Big Mistake hurt my feelings, but we didn't have time to hash it out in the mad dash of getting five children and two adults out the door. All I managed was a quick, "Wow, honey, that hurt. Thanks for that," in a sarcastic fly by.

In the meantime I yelled at my Autistic son for something that wasn't his fault. Did I feel bad? Indeed, I did. In fact, I got into the Nagivator Seat of the van after apologizing for the third time and berated myself all the way to church. It's only about a 30 minute drive, so I wasn't half done by the time we got there.

We arrived. My husband put the van into Park, turned to me, put his hand on my knee and proceeded to give me the best apology in our entire history together. "Chris," he began, "I am so sorry. It was dumb and thoughtless and you didn't deserve that. I am sorry." 

I was shocked. I was stunned. And I was perplexed because, frankly, I'd no clue what he was apologizing for. I was so distracted by my own mistake that I'd actually forgotten about his. I still don't remember, so I can't fill in the blanks here. It took me a minute to connect this apology with any event and then all I managed was remembering being upset, remembering the moment I called him on it, but nothing more.

I stammered something appropriate (I hope) and we proceeded with debarkation procedures and managed to be seated before the first song (barely).

"That was some apology," I reflected as we settled into our seats. In those few short minutes I had to think, I pondered along these lines: "What could have brought that on? It wasn't major, really, or I'd have remembered. Why was he so sorry this time? What was different?"

Then God hit me in the back of the head with a two-by-four. I was different. 

I'd not had time to battle it out. I'd not had a chance to discuss the issue to death. I had not insisted on an apology. I had not nagged and questioned him on his motives. I'd been too busy, and then I'd been too subdued by my own mistake. I'd been quiet. There was the big difference. I'd let my husband's own good nature work on his conscience instead of my sharp tongue.

The really stupid part of all this is knowing that nagging doesn't work and needing to learn this lesson anyway. The only good thing about this story is I've been doing much better about letting some time come between any given incident and the discussion of it. I did learn something and have been duly rewarded. The apologies I'm receiving lately are improving over the resentful, "Fine! I'm sorry!"s of yore.

What I learned from it was that nagging is not limited to me trying to get something done. Sometimes it's about making him make me feel better--using him to bandage my feelings. Pope John Paul II once said that the opposite of love is not hate, it is use. We are not to use anyone as a means to an end and we are especially not to use our loved ones. We are to love. Period.

If nagging is something you struggle with, too, here's some hard won gems I've learned this time around. (For the hard won gems I learned last time around, click here.):

Nagging is Fruitless
Nagging does not get real results even when it seems to. Someone parroting what you want to hear just to shut you down is not a satisfying replacement for the real thing.A real apology after a day or so of reflection is more emotionally satisfying than a forced one in the moment. Let some time and space in.



Nagging is Damaging

If this is you, open brain and insert God. Amen.

Even if you are in the right, nagging him to admit you're right is not right. Nagging is using language to bend someone to your will. It's selfish behavior. Marital discord does not heal by adding more bad behavior into the mix. Marriage is about pulling together. Family life is about being a Christian even when you're hurt. It's about bearing wrongs patiently and forgiving 70 times 7 times, only it is up close and personal. It's hard work! God calls us to be faithful in all things, but especially in these day to day moments where we chose to be Godly or not. Nagging is a choice, a bad one. Like any choice when we face any temptation, we can choose to serve God or we can serve ourselves.

Nagging is Not Christian
Nagging drives a wedge between you and your beloved. When you nag you are being aggressive. You are generating resentment. You are saying, in effect, that you will continue to behave badly until he behaves better. It's you making him suffer because you have suffered. That sounds incredibly antithetical to the Christian call to bear wrongs patiently. In fact, it is using his sins against you as an excuse to sin against him.

Nagging is for God Alone
No, I'm not saying that God nags. What I'm saying is that the only place where nagging bears any fruit at all is in prayer. Like Luke 18:1-8, you may indulge in your need to nag by nagging God. The best part of this little piece of advice is this: in order to change bad behavior you must replace the behavior. In the case of nagging, you don't have to stop nagging, you merely need to change the object of your nagging. If your spouse is upsetting you, go to God over and over and over about it. Pour your heart out, complain, whine and cry. He can take it. He can also do something about it for you.

In fact, the first thing He is likely to do about it is to change you.


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Wifey Wednesday--Nag at Work

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You know how Joan of Arc got visits from Heaven? She was told to go ask the king for some guys to help with a nasty infestation of Englishmen. Mission accomplished even if those English didn’t take it well. How about Benedict? He saw the religious order he’d found lasting until the end of time.<--he got to see that, too. “Stay holy, write a rule of life, and keep working hard!” So far so good on that mission, too.

Me?  I don’t get visions of Heaven in my insights. I get Heavenly Hints from Heloise instead. Stuff like “Nagging won’t work.” No cherubim infused clouds for me. Just honest to Goodness criticism.

It’s probably because I don’t obey very well that I don’t get the bells and whistles of Heavenly wonder. Save that for the people who actually profit from instruction. People like Paul. “Hey! Quit that persecuting! Work for me!” No one throws rocks at my head when I do the right thing; people actually act nicer. Even after getting my very own way and getting a nice, smiling husband the entire day after I tried not nagging just once, I thought I might try the nagging a few more thousand times. I just had to check to see if my way could still work.

I like to think I’m made of sterner stuff,  but in my better moments I do realize that improving me in my marital vocation is akin to training a dog—every time I even glance in the right direction, someone had better toss me a bone.

So, really, you need to take marital advice from me. I’ve tried everything other than what works first. I know from experience that I am an idiot, what is stupid, and how best to make a mess of things. I also know what works and what is right.

Rule #1

Nagging doesn’t work

You already know that. What you might not know is that your bad behavior excuses bad behavior on his part. Well, it doesn’t really, but he thinks it does, so when you behave in a way beneath the dignity of a good Christian Wife, guess what? He is less inclined to treat you with the dignity deserving of a good…Behaving badly never turns out well.

Rule #2

Be nice.

Think of the business world. When you want something from a coworker, you usually refrain from pouting, criticising, and foot stomping. Indeed, you may actually behave nicer than normal when you are needing help from people. Why mention this? Because you need to apply those same social skills to your husband.  

Before you seethe in the combox, let’s talk physics for a second. When two parts rub against each other, heat builds up and wear occurs. To avoid a breakdown, lubrication is applied. Manners are the lubrication we apply to human interaction. The more heat and friction there is, the more lubrication is necessary to keep things running smoothly. Idiot humans that we are we generally use our manners on strangers more readily than on our family where we need it most. People at home rub each other more raw than anywhere else, so you need to be more polite at home than anywhere.

Psychic moment! I know what you are thinking! “I shouldn’t have to be polite at home! That’s where I should be able to relax!” FYI: The word relax does not mean things like “act like a harridan” or “verbally scathe.” Your marriage will improve if you think thoughts like, “I feel friction in this situation. I must apply lubricant!” instead of “I deserve time off from niceness!” Trust me on this one, I’ve tried it the other way.

Rule #3

You may, however, nag Heaven

You can, indeed, use those finely honed nagging skills somewhere! In prayer! After years of fruitless stubbornness and arguing, I’ve found that if my husband doesn’t act after three requests, he isn’t likely to act anytime soon. Instead of arguing, I give the man his three chances, then I drop it with him and take it up with God. The most profound thing I’ve ever discovered about prayer is that it works. When I pray instead of argue one of three little miracles occurs: he does it my way, or I see it his way, or we see a third and better opportunity! Praying more means we are arguing less. It also means we are happier, generally. We’re also not missing those third options as often so things are better all around.

So, I’m done nagging you, too. Go forth, blow his mind with how nice a wife he picked, and be happy.  

Yes, dear. You are reading it!