Conversion Diary: "I sought but I didn't find. Now what?" - The diary of a former atheist

Conversion Diary: "I sought but I didn't find. Now what?" - The diary of a former atheist

For those who seek and do not find...

God is. I got that message loud and clear one day when I least expected it. Faith wasn't something I merited or even asked for. It came as a complete surprise. No doubts here.

For those who have no surety but only doubts and longing you could take my word for it, but I can't imagine that would be satisfying.

I could also show off my faith to you. "I'm so certain!" I could tease. "No doubts here!" I could brag. Not only would that be wrong, it would be all wrong.

Instead, I'll tell you something I also know for sure: your faith is greater than mine. I'll offer you this in explanation. God gives us what we need to seek Him. Once I knew the truth, I would continue to seek the truth. I am like a dog with a bone, I will gnaw away at it until I get to the marrow. I'm not about to let it go. But, to seek God, I needed Him first. I had to have proof. Any amount of doubt would have lost me. I am that petty.

What I'm saying is this, faith is a gift from God. The less mature of us, the ones like me, are given more. We can't handle the subtelties of faith.

You seek. You long. You suffer for God. That is the truer faith. You are made of a harder wood than I. Do not be afraid.

Imagine that we are children learning to walk to our Father. You have stood and taken your tottering steps on your own. You stumble and fall like the rest of us, but our Father knows you. You may pout a bit, even cry, but you are going to stand up and keep going.

Me and my ilk? We give up too easily. We're distracted by the toys lying about us. For us, we need a constant guiding hand or we will sit and idle away our time staring at the dust motes dancing in the light.

You, though, you who seek and do not find? You are made of stronger stuff. You are the older brother or sister. I'll cheer you from behind.

Food for Thought Thursday--Is this wrong?

The problem? The kids have cabin fever and I have a dirty floor.

My solution? Let the kids play!

I vacuumed my floor, handed each child a rag and a spray bottle with water, and let them have at it. The floor is damp, the rags are flying. They are having a blast, and I am on the computer.


Should I feel guilty or lazy?

In Loving Memory

My grandfather passed away last night. He was 96 years old.

I learned a lot from him.

One of the best things was how to listen.

When I was little and shy among the crowds of relatives,

I'd save up all my words until I got him alone,

him on his chair in the den,

me beside him, holding his hand.

He would tilt his head,

look at the floor and give me all of his attention.

 One of his favorite things to say to this chatterbox was, "Well!"

Whenever he'd near the end of endurance,

he'd offer me a Coffee Nip candy.

The unwrapping and the eating would occupy my attention

and give him an escape route.

I love coffee to this day.

He also taught me practical things like

how to drive a truck, shoot a shotgun, and take a long walk.

All of my kids loved to go and see their Paw-paw and Maw-maw.

As he got more frail
this past year, our visits got shorter.

They all took a turn on his lap, and my oldest

always bent his ear to tell him something important.

Some of those times, I'd hear his quiet laugh,

then that familar

"Well!"

He was so excited when on my birthday this year

my youngest daughter got very close,

and he was able to see her face for the first time.

"I'll remember this for the rest of my life," he said.

He'd been blind for years, you see.

Her face was one of those precious gifts God gives us.

Like He gave me a grandfather who was patient,

loving, and strong,

who lived long enough to love my babies

as much as he ever loved me.

Maybe even a little more.

Because it's Monday and you need more coffee...

After a brief, shining moment, the week is back, and it wants revenge for all the fun you had without it over the weekend!

Distract it with this and maybe it will forgive you and play nice.


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