Wifey Wednesday: Enjoy the Holidays

Nothing says frantic to me quite like the Pinterest and magazine spreads of November and December. Those glamor shots of centerpieces and perfectly pinched pie crusts, ornately wrapped homemade gifts arranged artfully on a tray for the guests of a festive formal holiday party with signature drinks and home-baked gingerbread houses as decor are the peer pressure of the digital age. Even if you do manage to pull off a party mid-December, the pictures pointedly ask you, "Did you take the time to individually wrap your antique book collection with color coordinated wrapping paper to add punch and sizzle to your bookshelves? No? Well, we won't judge."

"Nobody breathe until I get a picture of this for the website!" 

My advice for the holidays is to remember them for what they really are: holy days. This time of year is the time we stop in wonder at the miracles of God. There was enough oil for one night and it lasted for eight. There was a moment when God became flesh. It's a wonder. Let's just wonder.

Sure, it's nice to celebrate that with food. Who doesn't celebrate with food? Just remember that you and your family are celebrating with God and His larger family. Don't worry about making a perfect celebration, just make a celebration. Perfection isn't our lot in this life. Relax and tone down your menu to foods your kids will actually eat. If nobody likes turkey, serve roast beef. If nobody likes to cook, order in pizza. It's your family. It's your celebration. Enjoy it.

"So dinner's running late, at least no one
will see me in curl…oh, the doorbell!"

If you, like me, enjoy the cooking and the hours of preparation and aftermath in the kitchen, remember to factor in the fact that the baby will create a hazmat diaper, the five year old will toss a tantrum, and all the kids will want to help, dinner's going to be at 2:30 and not noon, at least one pie will be burnt, and the cousin from Wisconsin will not have the manners to refrain from criticizing the biscuits. "Yes," you'll be forced to agree, "Memaw's biscuits are better than mine." Just let it be.

That's my advice. Just let it be. No matter if half your family is down with the flu for Christmas, no matter if half your New Year's Eve guests invited their own guest, no matter if the toddler stripped down to her all-together while no one was watching and marched down the aisle at Midnight Mass, that's how this particular celebration is turning out. Just let it be. (Do redress that girl, though, it's cold out.)

Relax. Have a sense of humor about it. Enjoy it. The flubs are half the fun anyway. The baby will need to be fed when the turkey button popped. Go ahead and take the turkey out and then sit and feed the baby while the meat rests. It's okay. Christ was a baby once. He's not going to mind if dinner's late. If Uncle Joe mangles the carving and there's not a piece of meat bigger than a chopstick, does it really change the fact of Christ incarnate?

Just let it be. All of this is your story for this year. You celebrated and it wasn't perfect. My family lives on the Great Plains of America, beauty here is found in the vast expanse of sky and grass or it is found in the close ups of the prairie primrose, but in between is the thistle and the goat head. You don't see those when you get real close and you don't see them when you take in the vastness of it all. If you crave perfection, think of the big picture: God incarnate, God's miraculous light. Or get in really, really close. Some years, that particular candle next to that poinsettia is as close to perfection as you can get.

Have a Happy!

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even wifier Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

7 Quick Tips for Special Needs Parenting

My son's consultant teacher cut us loose this Thursday. We are currently expert-free for the first time since we received the diagnosis of Autism. Even before this momentous event, I'd been thinking a lot about the process our family went through to get diagnosed and the process that we went through afterwards. There's a book in there somewhere, I'm certain. Meanwhile, I'll be thinking out loud on the topic here on the blog.

--1--

Don't be scared, he's British!

For those of you new to this ballgame of "Special Needs," I'd like to say one thing: your whole family has changed, but don't panic! Although for the first few months you may react to those changes with the dread of the unknown, your family will change in the most normal way possible. Why? Because children change a family. That's what they do! They change it at every age and milestone, from the second line on the pregnancy test to the  newborn to the middle aged kiddo introducing you to your first great grandchild and beyond. We impact one another, we force adaptations upon all the others, and we make room. That's why we're family, after all.

Just take a moment and a deep breath every once in awhile and remember that change is not dreadful, it is proof positive that everything is going along just fine. If you don't believe me, imagine the horror of a family that doesn't adapt to a new family member or to a family member's newly discovered needs. As a foster mother who has seen the results of that type of family, my imagination doesn't have to go too far. A family that doesn't change with the needs of its members is not a functional family.

Change is normal. Change is hard. Change is mandatory.

If everything is changing on you, congratulations. All family systems are functioning.

And my condolences. I hate change, too. Every once in awhile I like to push the panic button and run around screaming, "What now!? What now?! Whatnowwhatnowwhatnow?!" just to see if I can convince God that I can't handle the situation.

He's not convinced.

--2-- 

Brace Yourself

Although most people are nice, I'm here to warn you: you'll never once spend a night smiling into the dark at how understanding that sweet little old lady was when your kid knocked over two boxes of cereal in the grocery aisle. Her, "Oh, don't worry, honey!" will not replay in your head as you struggle to think of anything else.

Even though most people are amazingly nice (in fact almost everyone is), you are going to need some armament and thick skin to deal with the very, very few who will act like jerks. You may run into one or two in a year, but you will remember each and every one of them in surprising detail.


Yes, your child has special needs and yes part of your calling will be to educate friends and family members and even certain members of your community about the needs and the normals of your child, but it is certainly not your job to educate every busybody who gives you unsolicited advice at the grocery store. Most people are kindly disposed to you and your child. Feel free to educate them all you want. I'm talking about dealing with jerks, people like the lady who said, in front of my son, that she'd rather die than be like him. Don't toss any pearls before the likes of these.

--3--

Why Are They Jerks?

Jerks will say things, knowingly and unknowingly, purposefully or accidentally, that will hurt you, your children, and your peace. Your main job is to shut down the interaction with jerks before any real damage is done. But first, you need to bolster yourself with some compassion for the jerk so you don't have to go to Confession afterwards.

Jerkiness Root Cause #1: Ignorance
Not every person is aware of the ins and outs of your child's special needs, so their response to a situation is merely their first reaction. They are busy trying to cope with what seems inexplicable and are truly trying to make sense of it all within a limited set of experiences. "This child just peed in the dog bowl. What kind of child pees in a doggy bowl? Brats? Oh, okay, this child is just being a brat!" It's the best they can do under pressure. Even though it will infuriate you to hear the little old lady muttering about "Kids today!" as you cope and deal with an embarrassing scene, you are going to have to find it in your heart to forgive her ignorance as you get the situation handled and your child away from her as is (super)humanly possible.

Jerkiness Root Cause #2: Fear
Some people react to disabilities with fear. Just like you and I fear the unknown, most everyone else does, too. Your child's disability looks like a Great Big Scary Possibility. They see you struggling and they fear, "What if I had to deal with a child who peed in my neighbor's doggy dish?" They want to distance themselves from what they fear. Most of the time, they do it verbally, "I would never want to live that way!"

Most jerks don't mean to be jerks. Some even mean well, but the longer they interact with you, the more harm they do you and yours in their blundering. You need to shut them down or get them away from you as quickly as possible.

Here's a bag of tricks...

--4--

Cultivate a Look

This'll freeze water. Cultivate this.

You will need to develop a look that says it all, "You've crossed the line/mind your business/how dare you/I have no idea what you just said to me but I'm sure if I even had the time to listen I wouldn't want to hear it anyway." Think Lady Violet. Practice it in the mirror. You don't even have to shoot it at anyone, just allow it to come across your face before you purposely school your features and grace your children with a smile. Most of the time, that is so impressive it will do all the work for you. They will leave you and your children alone. 

Sometimes, though, you get the stubborn jerks who are so self-esteemed they can't take a hint. For them you need heavier artillery.

--5--

The Verbal Shutdown

"Set phrases to stun."

Think about the worst case scenario for any public outing and then have a handful of responses to answer problem people. You'll likely already be flustered by the time the hissed, "Brat!" or "Freak!" comes flying at you, so it helps to have these responses on automatic. You can joke, "We're using the Spock and McCoy parenting method; all phasers on stun, kids!" You can wield the Politeness of Death (best used with a heavy Southern drawl and a hat), "I don't know what I'd do without your stellar insight into my personal matter! I just can't thank you enough!" Brutal honesty, "I'm at my wits' end at the moment. This chatter is distracting. Please move along." Or the kinder approach, "Please, excuse us. Sorry for your inconvenience." I tend to use that last one the most. It is the go-to phrase that works in almost every circumstance.

You already know what situations are likely to develop when you go out into public. For example, our family just might have to use the bathroom (we do that). When my son was six and potty training I was not about to let my nearly nonverbal Autistic son go into a public men's room alone, so I donned my patent pending Look before I ever set foot in the Ladies Room, and just in case that wasn't enough I was braced and ready to respond with, "If you have any complaints about our using the restroom, ma'am, the manager's office is at the back of the store." 

P.S. He's 7 now. Remember that business of families having to change? Well, by his birthday we had already scoped out those stores with a Family Bathroom and now we make sure to exclusively go there.

--6--

Train Up a Babysitter

You need one. You have to be able to do things. Train up willing family members first, then train a few willing and responsible young people, and if you are really lucky, make friends with other families with the same special needs as yours. At any rate, if you are training family members or paid babysitters, the process is the same and I describe it here. It was expensive to train up my babysitters and it is expensive to use them, especially if you are at the stage of needing two sitters, one for your child with special needs and one to watch the other children in your home. That's part of your family's "normal" and that brings up the final take on special needs parenting...

--7--

Social Settings

When I envision Hell...

Whether it is dealing with gear, packing medications, or potential exposure to allergens, socializing is going to be one of those ways your normal is going to look different from other people's normal. I know that it is a much bigger deal for me to take all my kids out in public than it is for friends with even bigger families than ours. I have an attack plan and backup contingencies and at least twice the time allotted for the job. I have stores and restaurants I can not take my son into (yet) because of the noise levels. Our whole family can not go to a movie (yet). We're working on it. We went to Daily Mass for a year before we were able to finally sit through a Mass en masse.

When I say "we're working on it" I mean that we're still practicing. I highly recommend training yourself and your children how to do something so that you know how to do it. That works for everything, even shopping and going to public restrooms. Practice going to the store just to buy gum. Practice visiting a friend and stay five minutes. Practice makes perfect. Don't tell my kids, but we actually practice going places with no agenda other than making it out alive. Some weekends there's no real reason to pile into the van and hit the pet store other than we want to go someplace, be successful at it, and come home with the reward of a $5 bag of pretty new fish. If it doesn't work out well, we just leave. No big deal. The fish will still be there next week.

Because Autism is in big part a series of deficits in social skills I have to keep a closer eye on my children at any social gathering. Unless my husband is with me and we're tag teaming, while attending a function I'm not talking with anyone for long, and I'm not relaxing. If I look relaxed it's because I'm working very hard to look relaxed. I relax at home, where the variables and potential problems are more familiar.

Feel free to hang out with me there anytime.

Finally

I hope I haven't scared you at all. This is actually fun, this whole parenting thing. I can't imagine what else I'd do with my day and my God-given talents, can you? Life without meaning is meaningless and with your faith and with each child, we have that meaning. With special needs, you have even more.

Here at the end, I'm going to give you my most important piece of advice. This is the one that gives you the perspective on all the joys, trials, tribulations, laughs, and loves of your day to day life as a special needs mom: your job is to ensure each of your children is ready for eternal life. Though you may worry about college, The Future, next week's trip to the Pediatrician, remember Heaven first; everything else is details. This disability your dealing with? It's all part of the package. You, your children, your spouse are all that much closer to Heaven each time you smile and find some humor in your day to day life. You may not know this yet, but as extraordinary as the details might get, every life is ordinary. God loves the ordinary as much as he loves the color blue; He made tons of it. Relax as the "new normal" takes shape around you and remember that it is in the routines of your everyday life that you will find your treasures for Heaven.

Family life was so special, He reserved over 30 years of it to enjoy for Himself. Don't forget to enjoy yours.

Love your kids. Love your life. This is what it is all about. If you've been given a child with special needs, it's only because God wants to turn you into a special parent. Brace yourself. It's about to get awesome.

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Wifey Wednesday: Company Manners

You all know the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha, from the Bible. Jesus comes to visit and Mary sits at His feet to learn while Martha serves the guests. Martha gripes to Jesus about her sister and asks Him to tell Mary to get up and help. Jesus rebukes Martha about all her worries. (Pssst...from firsthand experience I can tell you, it's a trust and control issue she's got going on there.)

Because of this story we have named the confused fretfulness that sets in before company arrives as Martha Syndrome. Though some Martha Syndromes have been known to persist through dessert, it usually is sublimated into what's known as Company Manners at the arrival of the first guest.

Pre-party Martha Syndrome

The guest have arrived!
Transformation complete!

Company Manners are those special manners we only use when people are over that we want to impress. We smile more, we certainly don't yell at the kids, and we tend to other people's needs quickly and graciously.

I hate Martha. She shows up and tries to ruin every party, but I'll tolerate her so that my family and I can enjoy the fruits of company and of Company Manners.

My in-laws were out visiting from Virginia for over a week and we kept our Company Manners up the entire time. It was amazing how smoothly everything went. There were no squabbles over chores, no fights among the siblings, no clamoring for attention. It was as if the house ran itself.

It made me wonder if most of my problems in keeping the family functioning were due to my everyday manners, the not-so-special ones I pull out only in front of my family. You know, the manners that allow a bit of impatience to show when a needy family member interrupts me. The set of manners that allows mom to yell, "THERE WILL BE NO MORE YELLING IN THIS HOUSE!!"

If I know that a big part of the reason I enjoy company so much is the Company Manners, if I love the check on everyone's behavior that comes from having company, and if having a beloved guest brings out the best in me, why, oh why won't I treat Christ as my beloved guest every day? He is here, watching every little fall and stumble from grace. I have personally invited Him into my life and yet, while He's here, I treat my family (His very children), as if He weren't even there. Christ and my family deserve my Company Manners every day.

Would you please pray for me that I treat Him at least as well as I treat my Mother-in-Law?

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This has been a Wifey Wednesday post. For an even more Wifey Wednesday click on over to To Love Honor and Vacuum!

The Dice of Doom: Fun with Discipline

As promised, here's the post on the Dice of Doom! To keep your home peaceful, you sometimes have to be a good disciplinarian. Though not technically a Wifey Wednesday post, the tone of your home is determined by you, the heart of the home. Here's a way to keep things lighthearted, even when the kids are coming loose at the seams.

The Dice of Doom

Dun-dun-Duuuuuunnnn!

This discipline device adds a bit of fun to the arsenal of Time-outs and revoked privileges and I can take no credit for it. It is a hand-me-down technique. A mother of seven gave it to me when she had four teenagers living at home.

Here's a scenario:

Kid one, overwhelmed with frustration, crosses the line and yells, "Get away from me!"
Kid two ups the anty and retorts, "You're a poophead!"
Every other kid in the house joins in a chorus of, "Oooo!" followed by, "Duh-duh-duhhhhhhhh!" Which is the ceremonial entrance song of the Dice of Doom.
Mom steps in, saying, "Dice of Doom, you two!" The Dice is brought out and rolled with kids begging for Mercy!

Let me explain what it is before I explain why it works so well.

What is it?
It's a box, covered with butcher paper. Written on five of the six sides is a boring housework task. On the sixth side is the word mercy.

Our five boring housework tasks are as follows:

1. Wipe windowsills
2. Mop a bathroom floor
3. Run the duster over everything
4. Dust baseboards 
5. Straighten up the family games shelf

My kids are small, so the tasks are small. We only do one room per dice roll. If you have bigger kids, you could adapt accordingly. Don't forget to add "Mercy!" to one of the six sides!

How do you use it?
This is a simple adaptation of a Time Out. Instead of standing in a corner, the child is given a task to accomplish. It is in addition to chores.

The child rolls the dice, you cheer them on, adding the chant, "Mercy! Mercy!" as you deem appropriate. The child accomplishes whatever task is required. At the completion of the task, forgiveness is asked and granted by all parties. If Mercy is rolled, mercy is granted: no task is given and all is forgiven in the moment.

When do you use it?
We use this whenever someone's dignity has been injured. When a child has forgotten to respect the authority of a parent by backtalk or eye-rolling, it is a good time to use it, but it is better used in cases of sibling squabbling. When a child has forgotten to respect the dignity of a sibling by aggravating, squabbling, shoving, name calling, or poking fun, it is mandatory. This entire set up is designed to intervene before fists or tears fly. It's an early intervention.

I don't use it all the time. Maybe once a week or so, if that. Frankly, I forget to use it or I don't have the wits about me to use it when I should. It's in the tool bag when I want to pull it out and it works.

How does it work?
First of all, this is a Time Out. Time Outs work by removing the child from the source of frustration. Second of all it provides for instant distraction and redirection and at the same time that the tasks are just physical enough to blow off a little steam. Thirdly, it completely resets the tone by replacing the "ritual" of an argument with another (slightly sillier) ritual to perform. Finally, justice is instantly and equitably served. Unless there is a clear cut case of pure and unadulterated innocence, all parties involved roll the dice.

Why is it fun?
Because you make it fun. You introduce it with all due pomp and circumstance. You show how each of the tasks will be performed. You model rolling the dice. You also model the begging and bargaining, "Mercy! Please let me get Mercy!" or "Not the mopping! ANYthing but the mopping!" Then model the appropriate reaction. "AAAuggghhh! Mopping!!" or "MERCY! Whew!" And sometimes, rarely, you roll it yourself.

"Whoops! I just blew it when I yelled at you. I'm sorry about that...Dice of Doom for mom!"

While the kids are working, I tend to "supervise." It's funny how when kids' hands are occupied, their mouths are freed. I have gotten to the root of more problems "listening in" on someone working on their Dice of Doom task.

It works for us. Well enough that I had to pass it along.

Over time this will cut down on the squabbling. It will increase the respect for siblings. It will also assist them in learning how to curb those impulses to unkindness that we are all tempted with. When Momma has a better day with the kids, she has more to give at the end of it.


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This has been a Wifey Wednesday Post. To have an even more Wifey Wednesday visit Sheila Wray Gregoire at To Love Honor and Vacuum.

7 Quick Takes

--1--

Today is the last day of November, so today we are taking down the last of the month long All Soul's Celebration. I don't want to mislead you into thinking that we are so vigorously diligent about celebrating the Liturgical Year, we have simply made a point of picking and choosing those celebrations that our Domestic Church shall emphasize. Our family believes very strongly that attaining Heaven is a grand accomplishment, indeed the ultimate accomplishment, and so we give over some space in our home and our lives every November to give thanks and praise for such a wonder as a life well lived and a Savior such as ours.

--2--

To be honest, last year we did November better. We sang saint songs most nights, then read stories about their heroic lives. This year we had a special dinner with friends and family to kick off the celebration and tied saint cards to a tree branch mounted in a vase. We talked about each child's patron saint here and there, but we weren't as good about bringing the saints' good examples to mind daily. It was a little lackluster this year. That said, the best thing about family celebrations is that memories are made even of the mundane. The next best thing about family celebrations is that there is always next year.

--3--

On to Advent. Another very Catholic celebration is the month long fast and preparation for celebrating Christ's Incarnation. Christmas and Advent for Catholics is both a celebration of His coming into the world as a baby and His coming again at the Second Coming. Our readings this month will focus both on the Old Testament prophecies of Christ and the New Testament descriptions of the Day of Judgement. Like all things we Catholics do, there is layer upon layer of Truth to be discovered here. This season asks, "Are you ready?" How are you making ready to invite your Lord into your home, heart, and family in a more intense and personal manner over the next several weeks?

--4--

Unlike our All Souls celebration throughout November, our Advent is intense. Our children like the presents of Christmas, but the time of year they love the most is this. Part of our Advent celebration includes lighting our Advent candles each night, singing a hymn, sharing aloud acts of charity and kindness we have done throughout the day (more on that in a special Advent post), reflecting on Bible readings, and intense prayers for a renewal of our relationship with Christ. The other part of our Advent is focused on our stewardship. We begin with a month-long winnowing down of our material possessions, passing along any items that are not treasured, utilized, or necessary so that others may receive the blessing of the use of them (we got an early start on that this year actually). We also clean and polish our belongings and our home. When Christmas finally comes, we have made ready and made room both physically and spiritually. Christmas and all the prayers of thankfulness and praise and the cookies, candy, and caroling, actually begins on December 25. It does not end there as it does in the Protestant and secular calendars, but instead it carries us through the secular New Year and beyond.

--5--

Yeah, so...this is us.

Because we sound pretty awesome in theory, I'd like to share with you a photo from our family photo shoot. We call it "The Stomp" and my husband is still convinced we should send it out as our family photo this year. We settled on sharing it on Facebook instead.

The story behind it is this. My husband broke his foot on this summer's trip back East, so he had to attend his sister's funeral in a cast. While still in Virginia, there was even talk of surgery and pins which thankfully was not necessary. This photo shoot took place days after we returned home, so not only was he in physical pain and attempting to overcome it, he and the whole family was still in shock and sadness from the sudden loss of our sister, our auntie, my son's Godmother Catherine. We were all feeling strained.

But this? This painful moment was the one that reset the entire tone of the photo session. Once my husband got over the pain and saw that Hannah Lou had caught the exact moment of the stomp on film, he laughed so hard the whole family dissolved into seven little puddles of giggles. Eight if you count the photographer. It is one of my favorite family moments, forever.

This is us for real, imperfect, stepping on each other's toes, and coming together enough to make a picture or two out of hundreds look good. We Martins often don't make it pretty, we might not even get it done, but we're in it together at any rate. And by the way, between this picture and the last one taken that day, one of those heavy stools you see us using as props fell over onto my foot. Those sweet looking kids took both parents out!

--6--

In other news, we have a kitten. His name is Jabberwocky Hawkeye Smith. Hawkeye is the cool name my son picked out from the movie The Avengers. Jabberwocky is the ironic name I picked out for his loud mouth. Our dear friends picked him especially for us because he was not a talkative kitty. Fact is, until he came to live with us, he just didn't have much to say.

P.S. The Smith is just to prove my point that he is a kitty, no relation.

P.P.S. Don't think we have anything against cats. The dog doesn't even rate a last name.

P.P.P.S. Please send all your kitty and/or dog defending hate mail to andychrism@yahoodidillydo.com.

--7--

Enjoy the rest of the pics!

The two who started all the Martin Mayhem...

"Plotting to take over the world."

"Charmed, I'm sure you are!"

"Do you have a favorite freckle?"

"Just wait until I hug you. You'll be in my power!"

"I have a joke for you!"
(They all end with "...on your head!")

All it took was 227,346,017 shots to get it in one take!

Wifey Wednesday: Two Tips for a Smoother Thanksgiving

Today's post, like most everything going on today, is going to be rushed and crammed in somewhere between the last minute dashes to the grocery store and the pie baking. We can get very flustered by the added work of a special day. Among my friends we have a name for that harried, distracted, and near frantic pre-holiday mindset: Terrible Martha Syndrome. Yes, it's named for the Martha of the Gospels who has Jesus Himself for dinner, but gets distracted by the work of feeding His disciples and unthinkingly grouses to the Lord about all the trouble she's having to go through for Him (Luke 10:38-42). We do this all the time to our friends and family. Our troubled face and impatient manner communicates loud and clear, "Do you have any idea how much bother I have to go through for you people?"

I'd like to help you with what helps me in those Terrible Martha moments. In and amongst all the cares of the day, try to remember two things: laughter is the best medicine and this particular day will never come again. Enjoy the craziness as much as you can. Everybody in the country is going crazy. It isn't just you.

--1--

Laughter is the best medicine. Tears and laughter are the only two things you can do to relieve stress. Yelling and giving vent to negative emotions actually increase the emotion. (Please pardon me for not citing the studies today--I'll plug them in when I'm less harried!) Big feasts and extra people in the house at breakfast are fodder for either pure comedy or pure tragedy. Usually both! In any given moment of high emotion you can either laugh, grouse, or cry. Grousing won't help, crying will wreck your mascara, but laughing will make it better. Put your arm around that aggravating kid and give vent to the giggles. My husband often reminds me that he can forgive me much because I can make him laugh. If you can't manage a giggle, try a loving smile instead of a frown this weekend just once and see if it doesn't make the moment better.

--2--

This day will never come again. This may seem like a claxon call to stress out about making the day perfect, but it isn't. I'm actually reminding you that you will never have a chance to have Thanksgiving with a five year old again, so go ahead and let her top the pie. That crooked pie can be one of the best memories of your feast! Don't shoot for perfection, shoot for keeping any particular moment from being a bad memory of when mommy blew her cool.

Christ never told Martha not to do the work. Instead he chides her for her attitude about the work. "Martha, Martha, thou art anxious and troubled about many things: but one thing is needful" (Luke 10:41-42). Do the work, my friends. Just remember that the work is not the point. The meal is not the point. Your relationship with Him and with each of these precious people is the point. Enjoy them this day. The meal is merely the setting for all the jewels of your family to shine particularly prettily for a little while. Treasure them and remember to treasure those mishaps that are bound to happen. They are what your family will laugh about in years to come.

"Remember the year that daddy dropped the turkey?" can be said in a hushed secretive whisper of remembered awe or it can be said with a ring of remembered laughter as a reminder of the ridiculous that lurks behind every great endeavor. Let the ridiculousness of the day be a source of laughter and not of shame and have a great holiday this year. Even if it comes off as mediocre, it's your unique version of mediocre and therefore a family treasure!

In moments like this you can laugh or cry.  Or both!

The missing child

Five and counting...

I have that nagging feeling again. The one that hits after I count the brood--even after all five are mentally counted--it's a heart stopping feeling, for just an instant, that someone is missing. All parents know it in its usual form, where there's a face immediately attached to it on the heels of a burst of panic. Like when a child isn't brushing her teeth in the bathroom with the rest of them, and I know instantly who hasn't been accounted for--Sissy!--and soon discover her already asleep, one shoe on and one shoe off, on top of her covers.

This missing child feeling is the feeling that hits, facelessly and namelessly when all the children are safely tallied--someone isn't here. It's someone I don't know yet. Some families experience this anonymous feeling of missing a child as an invitation to have another one. For us? It's likely an invitation to begin fostering again. Our house is very close to being ready for us to accept another blessing, but not quite yet. We have a few more details to take care of in the renovations.

My heart is already ready. I miss this person. My arms are ready to receive her in her first hug, or him, or them. Every time I count to five, when we load up in the van, when we start a meal, when I kiss heads at night, I miss this person I haven't met. Where are you, honey? I'm here.

My husband has been feeling it, too. The other day, at dinner, I saw his eyes sweep the table in a mental count, before his eyes met mine.

"Missing baby," he said.
"Yeah, me, too," I answered. 
We both smiled, then I sighed, and he squeezed my hand.

Only the two of us would understand what we mean, that we are both experiencing that invitation to make ready for the next child. My husband is working on the renovations, and I'm working on patience. Even my youngest, upon finding that the baby potty she'd recently graduated from was missing from the bathroom this morning, remarked mournfully, "We need another baby, mommy!"

I know that feeling.

...room for more...

Dear Maga and Paga: The Martins Go to the Fair!

September 19, 2011

Dear Maga and Paga,

I hope you are well. Give Cathy our best. We're doing just fine here! In fact, we went to the Tri-State Fair today and the kids wanted to tell you all about it. They are dictating to me their adventure! Enjoy...

Love,

Christie

Dear Maga and Paga,

I saw the animals. We went by the milk cows. We went to a farm show and I was on stage in the show. It was a magic show.  I got a gumball. I saw some horses. I saw grown up tigers and baby tigers. I saw big goats and baby goats. I saw a calf. Most of the baby goats were out of the cages. I saw enormous fans! There was only one baby goat in a cage. I got a pencil that can change its colors! And I also got a tiny pencil sharpener! I got paper bull ears! I got a small eraser! I got a coloring book with color pencils. We had a picnic! We got fruit flavored gummy faces! We brought cookies! The Ohmes' brought chicken! We brought Oreo! We brought sandwiches! We brought water. They were washing a cow. The end.

Love,

John (7)

Dear Maga and Paga,

My feet hurt cause I was too tired and too rough. I was too bratty and too sad (nu-uh!) and I was crying (not even once!). Well, not much. I won a crown and a book and nothing else and um...Goodbye! Well, I saw a camel. I saw some horsies and I sawed some dog. A little doggies. And I sawed the little goats. And I saw the horses. Then I saw some baby sheep. And I saw Simon in the parade. Yes, I did! (nu-uh!) Oh yes!

Goodbye,

Sissy Lucia (4)

Dear Maga and Paga,

Um I ate some chicken and I ate some yummy happy things what were smushy and stick on my teeth. I said, "Little piggy! Little piggy!" with daddy when I got home.  I seen camels and the goats were bonking me on the horns and making me scratches and that was fun. I had lunch. Some cookies of sweet. And um...I don't know what I'm going to say. We look at stuff. We saw the magic tricks that disappeared with the egg and stuff. That's all I'm going to say, Momma.

I love and I have kisses and hugs and loving care and share for you,

Anna (5)

Dear Maga and Paga,

We saw a cow and he had a man with a he-haw boy (cowboy). He was washing the cow. He was saying, "Wash! Wash! Wash!" with the water! And it was a cow! And it was so funny! At the lunch after we go there I ate syrup (giggle). The big lion said, "Rawr!" and right in the little lions. The baby lions and the big lions. And he barked his face off! He said, "Blfkjkrlejkljj!" and he runned around. It was so funny!

Love and kisses,

Sylvia (3)

P.S. And he hopped, too! You forgot the hopping!

Tell Him, "I still do!": A Challenge for Wives

Here's a challenge I'd like to share with you. It is counter cultural in the extreme--it's all about treating your husband with respect.

Your husband, personally, may or may not deserve respect, but then again, you may not either. If you waited to respect each other until either of you behaved up to a certain standard, respect could become rare indeed! Respect in a marriage is more about honoring the office of spouse than a particular spouse. Your particular spouse may be driving you crazy, but because of who you are, and what God set up marriage to be, you need to behave as if your spouse deserves the best from you. Your husband is a child of God, after all, so although he may or may not deserve your best, He deserves it. Think of it this way, God is your Father-in-law and he can see exactly how you are treating His child. You need to behave accordingly.

And since you are God's child as well, you need Him to worry about making sure your husband takes care of you in the same way. Treating your spouse well, without worrying about being treated well in return, is an act of Faith--not in your spouse, but in God. He will pour out Grace upon the woman who acts in such faith. Even if it is the Grace to endure while He works on your husband a bit more.

From speaker, author, and mom, Sheila Wray Gregoire To Love Honor and Vacuum

A Challenge

For the last few weeks we've been talking about how to radically transform your marriage by focusing on meeting his needs--rather than waiting for him to meet yours. I issued a challenge to all of you to do these five things for six weeks, and see what happens:

1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time)
2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get.
3. Do not nag.
4. Do not give the silent treatment.
5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).

 

Try it and let me know how it goes...if he notices?...if he responds? I'd love to know. I've been slipping on my personal version of this challenge, so I'm taking it as a wake-up call. This is going to be my focus for Lent this year. 

The Culture of Divorce

REWIND WEEKEND: As I am off on retreat this weekend, I thought I would rerun some of the marriage posts. We can all use a refresher course on being sweet, after all. (Me included and me especially!)

The Culture of Divorce

"The unchallenged acceptance of divorce has infected our world with hopelessness" from the Retrouvaille vision statement

A friend lamented recently, "Why wasn't I taught how to be a wife when I was growing up?"

I thought on that for a split second and then I opened my mouth and said something along the lines of: well, my mom had tried her best. She wanted to teach me to be independent. She made sure I knew how to balance a checkbook and stay within a budget. She stressed the importance of maintaining good credit, limiting your debts, and paying your bills on time. She also trained me up to maintain a house for myself. I could cook, clean, maintain a decent schedule for myself so I didn't burn out. I resisted all along the way, of course. She insisted on choosing a solid, dependable career as part of my training, and it was in college that I learned to resist anything that resembled "women's work." If it smacked of the domestic chains, I wanted nothing of it. She had her work cut out for her.

When I took a breath and she had half a chance, my friend, obviously a tiny bit irritated with me a bit, said, "Not that stuff. That other stuff."

Come to find out what she really meant was the skills like keeping your mouth shut when you want to let loose, apologizing without rationalizing, allowing space for emotions without letting them run the show. That's a whole different kind of training.

All my married life I've struggled to learn That Other Stuff.

The more I thought about this the more I realized I've been trained to be divorced better than I'd been trained to be married.

Here's some Divorce Preparation Tips I picked up along the way:

• Get a career and keep your own money in case he dumps you.
• Keep track of what belongs to whom.
• Let him know exactly how you feel.
• Men want to rule women.
• Men are silly.
• Men don't feel.
• There's no difference between men and women--it's all cultural.
• Because you feel it, it must be true.
• You're not just arguing with your husband, you are arguing with thousands of years of male domination and female repression.

Most of this "helpfulness" came from those women's magazines that are chock full of articles my husband and I joking refer to as "How to be divorced in 6 years or less!" The real stuff took some real maturity and some real pains to learn.

The Real Stuff like:

• There's no winning an argument.
• Actions speak louder than words.
• Emotions are just emotions.
• Love and trust are not emotions all the time: sometimes they are conscious decisions you make.

There's No Winning an Argument

You can win debates. You can even even win the lottery, but an argument with your spouse is unwinnable. Winning means there's a loser and when there's a loser, you both lose. It's like scoring a touchdown against your own side. You and he are in this together. You're a team. You may have won the war of words, but you've lost something more important. Keeping score and using conflict to do it is a no-win.

You need to approach conflict as the inevitable result of two people living in close proximity. You're going to have to come to a compromise of some sort. This other person has needs and desires that are at the very least just as important as yours. Try to find a way to accommodate each other. The first step is to listen to him. Try restating his argument for him. "Are you saying...help me understand." Let him know you are really listening and really considering his side. That generally takes the heat out of the friction between you, and once that happens you can get down to the business of working things out.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Are you still acting single? Do you have your own space, your own money, your own stuff? Do you make decisions that will affect the two of you without his input just because you can or even because you merely feel like it? Do you resent the demands he makes upon you?

If so, consider how loudly you are communicating two thing: my spouse doesn't make a difference in my life and he is not worth any extra effort on my part. You may not ever say such rude comments out loud, but consider how much wear and tear is done to the relationship when you daily act as if they were your truth.

But He Isn't Perfect!

If you are expecting him to be perfect before you are willing to make any changes yourself, you'll have a very long wait. Neither he, nor you, will ever attain that glorious state. Waiting for him to change first is a perfect excuse. It's your handy dandy get of responsibility free card. When you find yourself thinking he doesn't deserve the best from you, I can pretty much guarantee you probably don't deserve the best from him either.

What Works?

I'll be going on retreat for few days, so I thought I'd rerun some posts. Here's one that goes well with today's post over at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.

A post about work? Are you serious? I don't work anymore.

Well, my work is now no longer about 30 kids, or 20 or even 90, depending on the grade. It's about 4. As cliche as it is, I'm working harder than I ever have even if most people's eyes glaze over if I broach the subject.

Aside: You know, that blank, when-is-she-going-to-stop-talking-to-me stare I get at parties nowadays never used to happen when I discussed the very same techniques and interventions in my schoolteacher days. Either I was less dull a few short years ago or merely less observant. I'm thinking teacher talk only gets trite when the paycheck is in the form of dandelions and hugs, but I could be wrong: my brother swears I was always a little boring.

Dear me, are you yawning already? Buck up! Let's get to work.

What is work? It is what we do. It is what we are. It defines us. When asked, "What do you do?" We say, "I am a..." more than, "I do..."

Listen:

• I am a wife, a mother, and a homeschooler.
• I used to be a schoolteacher.
• I'm still a writer--I really used to get paid for this in bits and pieces.

See? Fill in your own blanks. Work makes us. "Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock." That was Pablo Picasso, by the way, just in case you never heard that gem before.

My job is still the same: I help make people into people. The only difference now is the hours. Oh yes, and the fact that I'm related to these people. Unlike most of America, I'm not raising children: I'm raising adults. A fully functioning adult is my goal, not just making it through the next few years until they quit bugging me so much. I like to keep that in mind. When I'm doing my work well, I look at a lot of my day by day decisions in that light. I think, "What does this little semi-socialized irrational creature need to know to join the humane race?"

One of the things all young ones need is work. They, too, languish without purpose. Schoolwork is one form of it, but even before the age of preschool, children are begging to serve the family in some way. They want to be a part of the action. Even the most hormonal teenager will benefit from that sense of satisfaction and self-esteem* that comes from a job well done (or even merely done).

A reasonably functioning adult can run his or her own home, down to the folding of his or her socks and balancing a checkbook as well as stick with a necessary but distasteful task until its completion. So, how will I grow these skills in my young ones? Practice...As my children are a part of the family, they are a part of the running of the family, too.

If time is money, I put my money where my mouth is. I am a firm believer that work is necessary for self-esteem and purpose, so I invest in it. Housework takes me about four times as long as it should because I have 5, 3, 3, and 1 year old helpers. Here's an example of how an overwhelming task (laundry) has been broken into age appropriate tasks:

My oldest son (5) folds his own laundry and puts it away. While I'm folding a pile of laundry, I toss any of his clothes into a separate basket as I come across them. Usually we are side by side, chatting away as this occurs and he is taking his clothes out and folding them faster than I put them in. When I see he is struggling with a particular item of clothing I will dig out something of his dad's and demonstrate. He loves it! I try to never use one of my T-shirts or pair of socks because this gives him an opportunity for a little male bonding even in abstentia!



My 3 year old girl can put away all the "tippy-top drawer" clothes with a bit of supervision (socks, panties). Her dexterity isn't up to independently folding awkwardly shaped items, but small rectangles are a breeze! She folds the washcloths and puts them away herself. I toss those into "her" basket as I'm folding along. Because her attention span is so short I usually ask her to put one item away at a time as I come across it during my folding. That way she can do a few washcloths, take a break by putting away some socks, then come back for more chatting and folding, take another break, etc. She gets a chance to admire those prized and hard earned underpants, too, more proof of her big girl status as one of the elite: the potty trained!


My other 3 year old is autistic and has trouble with the finer tuned tasks, so he loads presorted laundry into the washer. I put the soap in and start the machine when he comes to get me. He also takes the clothes out and either loads the dryer on a rainy day or a basket on a sunny day (for hanging on the line). One of his favorite things to do is watch things spin, so his breaks take the form of watching the front loader work for a bit. He comes in when he's had enough and "helps sort" hangars. His sorting generally means they end up a snarled mess, so I leave most empty hangars in the closet of origin until I need a pile of them. His other job is to interact with the baby and help her with her job.

Yes, I said that. The 1 year old baby has a job, too. As I come across an unmatched sock, I toss it to her. She puts the sock into the basket of unmatched socks. Eventually. She also takes them back out or dumps the whole basket out a few times, but eventually everything winds up where it is supposed to be by the end of the folding session, especially with my 3 year old son there to insist and model the "Pu-aa-way!" (His way of saying, "Put that away.") His language skills are right on her level, so they understand each other very well.

All of this sounds great, and it didn't happen overnight. It took a bit of time and observation. There was one on one instruction and some false starts, but I tried to tailor the task to the child instead of the other way around. There are no rewards other than a "good job!" or "atta-girl!", and there are no serious long-term consequences for a job undone (the no computer for a month kind of thing). The world simply comes to a standstill for the child who refuses to participate. Any requests or needs are met with, "Not until you take care of..."

And I mean it, too.
And they know it.
They've tried me.

Resistance is futile!

The process also includes the goal of gradually making the job look more and more like the adult version. I introduce a new item for my girl to put away. We work on opposites and how the words "bottom" and "top" mean different things and in the case of her dresser, different drawers. For my younger son I've been putting the pile of laundry to load in the washer farther from the front of the washer. Eventually he will take it straight from the bin. My oldest son will eventually be washing his own clothes. Teaching and learning, even about laundry, is never static!

Since my ultimate goal is for each child to handle his/her own life, the fact that I could do it better and faster and so much easier by myself doesn't tempt me (much). A lot of our family jobs are broken down into kid sized chunks. What it all means is that my house is not ever perfect and most jobs take forever, and sometimes, when company comes, it looks like kids dusted that table or put those books away.

Because they did.





*Contrary to pop-psych and the mistakes of the 90s, self-esteem does not come from praise or gloopy rules like, "Everybody wins!" It comes from doing esteemable acts. It's a feeling akin to, "Wow, I'm glad I stuck with that. That did some real good in the world."