The Wardrobe Project

Destined for the Dressing Room Floor

Every woman has done it. We have gone to the clothing racks and picked out one stunning outfit after another, cute jeans, fabulous colors, and have wound up with a pile of rejects in the dressing room. Not only did the clothes not look good, but after that experience we didn't feel too good either.

Most women and girls suffer from poor body image.

Most women suffer from poor body image. Most girls suffer from it too. We look at magazines and the latest fashions and then find that we don't look good with the clothes we pick out under their influence. Somehow we can't figure out that the problem isn't our figures, it's what we're putting on our them that are making us look less than beautiful.

Ask most men and they will tell you, every woman is something pretty special. We are awesome. What we've got to figure out is our own brand of awesome. So let us now and nevermore address the whole anti-style (and anti-woman, frankly) push in some Christian circles with the idea that God, Himself, loves beauty. All of creation is exploding with it, down to the farthest galaxy in the remotest expanse of the Universe. Creation is, in fact, the raiment for the pinnacle of His creation (a woman, incidentally, if you look at the ascending order of creation in Genesis, from inanimate to higher and higher classes of animate) and the natural world was made not only to function, but to glorify the glorious. God loves you, Woman. Just ask Him if you don't believe me!

God loves beauty and He made you beautifully!

That's settled, then. God has created you, a gift to the world. God has given you a shape to attract the notice of your spouse and to potentially bear and nurse children. Not all women become mothers, but we have the same basic girly equipment. The equipment, however, comes in an endless variety of options--bigger, smaller, taller, squatter--that all follow certain themes. Clothing has the same endless variety of options and clothing also follows certain themes. This is neither a mistake or a coincidence. Some clothing will look good on some shapes and look ghastly on others. They are designed that way. Go figure! Clothes designed for one shape will flatter that shape and will look less than flattering on another shape.

So, ladies, the trick is to figure out what will look fabulous on your figure--then stick with those options in their endless varieties. I can't wear a standard T-shirt without appearing to gain 20 pounds, so I don't wear them. Period. I don't give it a moment's thought until there is a fundraiser with Ts at church or I spy a really neat slogan I'd love to sport around town, but then I remember my shape and realize that if the lettering is across the chest, no one is going to be reading it anyway. I'll buy it for my husband or a more T-shirt friendly friend, but I do myself a favor and save the money.

I'd like to save you some money and save you some time and distress in the clothing store, too. I want you to figure out your figure and then dress it beautifully on a budget. So, I've enlisted the help of some young ladies, gave them a budget, and some pointers, and will be sharing those pointers, the hunt, and the results with you.

Today was shopping day and we had some great finds. The outfits are pretty, modest, and stylish. The four girls came in under budget overall, with one going over due to a splurge on a jacket. We shopped at The Children's Exchange in Amarillo--a clothing consignment store for used clothing. It's possible to dress well without breaking your heart or your bank. We'll show you how.
 
We're calling it the Wardrobe Project. You'll be hearing and seeing more soon.

Four themes for infinite variation!

The Wardrobe Project: Posts Coming Soon...

1. Know Your Shape
2. Shop Your Shape
3. Dress(ing room) Rehearsals

The Culture of Divorce

REWIND WEEKEND: As I am off on retreat this weekend, I thought I would rerun some of the marriage posts. We can all use a refresher course on being sweet, after all. (Me included and me especially!)

The Culture of Divorce

"The unchallenged acceptance of divorce has infected our world with hopelessness" from the Retrouvaille vision statement

A friend lamented recently, "Why wasn't I taught how to be a wife when I was growing up?"

I thought on that for a split second and then I opened my mouth and said something along the lines of: well, my mom had tried her best. She wanted to teach me to be independent. She made sure I knew how to balance a checkbook and stay within a budget. She stressed the importance of maintaining good credit, limiting your debts, and paying your bills on time. She also trained me up to maintain a house for myself. I could cook, clean, maintain a decent schedule for myself so I didn't burn out. I resisted all along the way, of course. She insisted on choosing a solid, dependable career as part of my training, and it was in college that I learned to resist anything that resembled "women's work." If it smacked of the domestic chains, I wanted nothing of it. She had her work cut out for her.

When I took a breath and she had half a chance, my friend, obviously a tiny bit irritated with me a bit, said, "Not that stuff. That other stuff."

Come to find out what she really meant was the skills like keeping your mouth shut when you want to let loose, apologizing without rationalizing, allowing space for emotions without letting them run the show. That's a whole different kind of training.

All my married life I've struggled to learn That Other Stuff.

The more I thought about this the more I realized I've been trained to be divorced better than I'd been trained to be married.

Here's some Divorce Preparation Tips I picked up along the way:

• Get a career and keep your own money in case he dumps you.
• Keep track of what belongs to whom.
• Let him know exactly how you feel.
• Men want to rule women.
• Men are silly.
• Men don't feel.
• There's no difference between men and women--it's all cultural.
• Because you feel it, it must be true.
• You're not just arguing with your husband, you are arguing with thousands of years of male domination and female repression.

Most of this "helpfulness" came from those women's magazines that are chock full of articles my husband and I joking refer to as "How to be divorced in 6 years or less!" The real stuff took some real maturity and some real pains to learn.

The Real Stuff like:

• There's no winning an argument.
• Actions speak louder than words.
• Emotions are just emotions.
• Love and trust are not emotions all the time: sometimes they are conscious decisions you make.

There's No Winning an Argument

You can win debates. You can even even win the lottery, but an argument with your spouse is unwinnable. Winning means there's a loser and when there's a loser, you both lose. It's like scoring a touchdown against your own side. You and he are in this together. You're a team. You may have won the war of words, but you've lost something more important. Keeping score and using conflict to do it is a no-win.

You need to approach conflict as the inevitable result of two people living in close proximity. You're going to have to come to a compromise of some sort. This other person has needs and desires that are at the very least just as important as yours. Try to find a way to accommodate each other. The first step is to listen to him. Try restating his argument for him. "Are you saying...help me understand." Let him know you are really listening and really considering his side. That generally takes the heat out of the friction between you, and once that happens you can get down to the business of working things out.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Are you still acting single? Do you have your own space, your own money, your own stuff? Do you make decisions that will affect the two of you without his input just because you can or even because you merely feel like it? Do you resent the demands he makes upon you?

If so, consider how loudly you are communicating two thing: my spouse doesn't make a difference in my life and he is not worth any extra effort on my part. You may not ever say such rude comments out loud, but consider how much wear and tear is done to the relationship when you daily act as if they were your truth.

But He Isn't Perfect!

If you are expecting him to be perfect before you are willing to make any changes yourself, you'll have a very long wait. Neither he, nor you, will ever attain that glorious state. Waiting for him to change first is a perfect excuse. It's your handy dandy get of responsibility free card. When you find yourself thinking he doesn't deserve the best from you, I can pretty much guarantee you probably don't deserve the best from him either.

Believe It or Not, It's Controversial!

REWIND WEEKEND: As I am off on retreat this weekend, I thought I would rerun some of the marriage posts. We can all use a refresher course on being sweet, after all. (Me included and me especially!) 

Until recently, two good friends and I had an unspoken rule: never bad mouth your husband. The rule is still in effect. We just simply got around to actually talking about it.

Imagine! Three women working, schooling, sewing, cooking, watching children together and not talking about something. Well, it happens. Especially over a topic so potentially hazardous: respecting men.

Don't think the topic is so touchy? Try broaching it among the gals sometimes. If you are male, brace yourself for the look. (You know the one I mean.) If you are female, better just brace yourself. You are in for a diatribe about how backward, oppressed, brainwashed, and just so ickily Catholic you are.

Or maybe you are in for the worst of all, the whispers...Her husband won't even let her talk about him! What!?! Oh, the Poor Thing, and all those children, too!

Male bashing is a sport. On the commercials, sitcoms, and other television drivel, the woman has to take charge and take action in the face of the ineptness of men. Cue the canned laughter, please. He's at it again! Movies, too, especially "family fare" present the bumbling but well meaning father as the standard. Men are childish, we are told. Men can't function without us women, they say. This swill is swirling all around us. We are steeped in it. As a result, women bash their own men. Why not? It's fashionable. It's funny. It's a conversational gimmick, "Oh you'll never believe what he's done now..."

Meanwhile our girls are hearing it all, and our boys are swallowing it.

Back to my friends and I and our unspeakable rule. You'll first need to understand that we sometimes do charity work together, sewing Blessing Blankets for crisis pregnancy centers, sending stockings to soldiers at Christmas, that kind of thing. Working with your hands sets your mouth free. There's a whole lot of conversation covering a whole lot of ground. Plus, we're all Southerners by birth or by association, so for us talk ain't cheap, it's precious!

Well, around November, an acquaintance and her children joined us and ours and worked right alongside us. It was exciting! Here was a new person, with new stories to hear, new kids to get to know, new jokes! It was great!

Until It happened.

She bashed her husband. Not a terrible bash, simply sharing an embarrassing moment of his that I am certain he would not want shared. Especially not with a stranger. So I smiled, caught her eye briefly, and changed the subject. Just the way my mother taught me.

First, you may need to let me teach you: It's a polite Southern way of saving another person's face. One is to ignore a gaffe, smile, and change the subject. It's gentle. It's subtle, and for Southern women, it's unmistakable. You know you've messed up and are being given the grace of an instant replay. It's best to take it. Like being offered gum or a mint. You take it. It's a nice way of saying your breath is bad.

It didn't work. I don't know if she was locked in a habit, but it was almost as if she couldn't help herself. The more I tried to change the subject, the more she offered her husband upon the altar of mutual feminine scorn. It became awkward, so I invented an excuse to briefly leave the vicinity, hoping the conversation might reboot with the interruption. It didn't. I felt terrible. I knew I had probably already ruined any chance of her liking me, and I was sad to be unable to move her mentally from my "acquaintance" category to the "potential friend."

She tried the same conversational gambit with the others throughout the day. And with the same results. The good thing that came of all this awkwardness was that afterwards we three finally broached the subject of male bashing. We spoke our unwritten rule for friendship and realized we all three carried the same litmus test, "Are you trustworthy with your men?"


For me it's like this: I just can't be friends with a woman who would betray someone's trust. Even if that someone is a man. Even if that someone is her husband. In a purely selfish vein, I know that if she's going to do that to him, one day she'll do it to me. And yes, as a mother I don't want my children hearing this type of conversation about a husband and father. As a wife I don't want my husband to overhear me involved in the tearing down of another husband.

But most importantly as a woman and in my small way, I feel duty bound to protect other women's sons from senseless attack. I know how ugly women can be. I thank God I am not a man for that very reason (among others). In all, men are different, a little strange in their thinking, but loveable just the same.

So ladies, if you want to be my friend, you know the rule.


Related Posts:
http://gardenofholiness.blogspot.com/2009/04/attitude-tips-for-wives-and-moms.html

Hey! Hey! Hey! A Giveaway!

Update: "Aw, man! Somebody else won it? Oh great! Now I have to exercise charity and humility and stuff. Is it still Monday?"...tap...tap...tap..."Is this keyboard on? Hello?"

Congratulations to A Mom for Life, the winner in The Careless Catholic's giveaway!



Mantilla the Hon and Liturgical Fashions



The Careless Catholic is giving away a mantilla. Yes, Kelly's one of THOSE Catholics--a Mantilla Wearing Momma.

She shows her special status by draping herself with lace. She is a tabernacle for the life-giving God, a co-creator, a vessel for the generations. She is a treasure. She is woman! Hear her...chant in Latin, ask complicated Liturgical questions, sing a lullaby, discover her true feelings about teaching grammar to tweens! (She's not the boring roaring type...)




Not actually Kelly. Is Joy.

Jump on over to The Careless Catholic to register to win.





Wifey Wednesday: Watch That Mouth! ...and links to helpful marriage links

My best advice for a solid marriage? Watch your mouth. By that I mean you should:

1. Be as polite to your spouse as you would to a customer at work
(be even more polite if you find yourself broke and/or fired frequently)

Good manners are the grease that keeps the heat out of social friction. You are subject to the most friction at home since home is where people are the closest--that's the best place to use your manners. Besides, shouldn't you treat the ones you love better than you treat strangers? It isn't a coincidence that the divorce rate was lower when courtesy was more common.

2. Never talk badly about your spouse to your family or friends

They don't love this person, you do. They don't get to temper their judgement by seeing how sweet he looks when he sleeps, so they're much slower to forgive. Don't blame them if they decide to despise him if you are constantly telling them to.

3. Pray when you're pissed.

That may sound crass, but maybe it'll help you to remember to do this. Pray for the best for your spouse when you are thinking your worst about him. Things will clear up much faster that way.

Some links on marriage from this blog

Find other links here

Wifey Wednesday--Her Inner Control Freak

To See Other Wifey Wednesday Posts

I am a planner. I plan my week, my day. I plan long range as well and I'm happy to report that six years out is starting to shape up and fall in line. Speaking of lines, at the DMV I plan escape routes in the event that a fire breaks out. All this foresight and planning gives me a nice little sense of power and control. My poor husband. That phrase always follows the words power and control in my mind.

I like to think I am in charge, but God, in His wisdom and in His ability to swing a solid 2 x 4 when haughtily ignored, frequently reminds me otherwise. In His further wisdom, He has provided me with a male of the species to contend with, er, I mean rather, to spend my life with. He has also generously provided the males of the species with a need to be leaders. Yes, my husband needs to be a leader and he does not need my leadership. Yeah, that's right, we get to struggle over this! Oh yay.

Because of who I am, I want to be the leader in the family. Because of who my husband is and who my children are, he needs to be leader. Guess who wins in the struggle of wants vs. needs? Yeah, that's right, it ain't me in this one. Yay.

Having grown up in a military family I know a little something about leadership: it is better to have a mediocre leader in charge than to have two leaders in charge. While two leaders battle each other, the real enemy picks off the troops. That's a sobering analogy when you apply it to your family.

Men can overlook the details to gain perspective on the big picture. They're brains are wired that way. (Really you should look into fetal development and MRI studies of problem solving between the genders, fascinating stuff.) Basically, men are linear thinkers. For example: given Child A and Child B and desiring outcome C and not D, we shall allow A and B to work towards C, rewarding all evidence of C and ignoring or reprimanding all instances of D. Discipline is pretty cut and dried.

We women see details upon details and in doing so can lose sight of the big picture. For example: given Child A (he was born first and feels a very strong sense of purpose and sense of self) and Child B (she's a middle child and I really feel she has that Middle Child Syndrome everyone talks about. She really does sometimes compete much harder for the privileges and status of the older child while wanting to maintain the cuddly coddling of the younger child. This Middle Child Syndrome of hers has been complicated by the birth of two more children, thus placing her in an actual older child position in the family--really we must make allowances for her bad behavior while she adjusts to this new situation and above all we must watch for signs of droopy self-esteem which probably stemmed from being named a letter and not a name in the first place, I mean talk about identity issues!)...I forgot the point I was trying to make here.

...um. Oh yeah.

Back to that point. My husband needs to be admired and needs to apply his God given gifts of logic, planning, and self-control to be in a position of decision making of the family. I need to be cherished and need to apply my God-given gifts of communication, nurturing, understanding, and planning to influence my husband's logical decision-making process.

I am the Corporal in this Army. Not only am I in charge of my band of troops, I am in there mucking it out on the day-to-day basis. I report to the Major what has happened, who was responsible when it didn't happen as planned, and let the Major know how I think the plan needs to change in light of what's happening. As Corporal, I get dirty and sometimes take friendly fire if a Cheerios food fight erupts at breakfast while I'm blogging. I've got the details of this army down and I could probably run the army if I had to, but that's not my job. My job is to be the Corporal: that's the officer the troops trust, complain to, seek out and turn to. The Corporal gets in on the day by day everydayness. To run the army, I'd have to step back emotionally and rationally divvy out resources and duties. I could do that. Sure I could.

But I'd rather be Mom.

So to quote my favorite move line ever, "Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants." Maria Portokalos may have been the Momma and not the head, but she was one smart momma!

The New Feminism

This came on my radar screen through a great site Faith and Family Live: the Magazine for Catholic Living.



Law Professor and Catholic mom talks about the New Feminism. Interestingly, she is very gentle in her brief treatment of the "old feminsim." That's one of the reasons I decided to share it. As you know, I felt a tremendous sense of being let down by feminism's view of my chosen roles. In this New Feminism I see woman valued for her unique contribution to the world. Have a listen.



Because the comments on the Youtube site show a woeful lack of study or even understanding of the terms involved, I have taken the liberty to include some of the documents referenced in the video.

Evangelium Vitae (English Translation)

Theology of the Body: This being a rather lengthy series of documents and lectures which will probably take centuries to unlock, another resource for study on this topic is Christopher West's works.

Deus Caritas Est (English Translation)


Related links (at least in my perspective) in this blog:
Defeminizing
What Works?
Believe it or not, it's controversial
The Culture of Divorce

40 Dishes in 40 Days: I know I promised...

...not to update endlessly about the 40 Bags in 40 Days exercise, but I am so jazzed about it! I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to spend 20 minutes or so a day going through all those things I always mean to get to but never do. This challenge has given me the impetus to "get a move on" and "get around to it" finally.

Here's one group of items that have made it into the "Giveaway Pile" much to my relief: my wedding dishes! The dishes were perfectly nice and perfectly serviceable, but there's a story that I haven't shared with many people. The person who bought them gave them to me saying in a whisper, "You'll like these better than the ones you picked out."  As you can imagine, the smile froze on my face for a moment or so.

Did I respond to the implied insult to my taste in dishware? No. Did I return them for the ones I wanted? No. I was polite and contained my irritation. You see, it was a group gift from several friends and this woman had taken charge and purchased them. None of the other friends knew she'd gotten a set I hadn't wanted. I didn't want to hurt their feelings or bother explaining what had happened, so for 10 years I've used them and remembered that moment.

Now I won't have to.

A few years back my mom gave me a set of china with a similar story behind them. As an overenthusiastic newlywed she'd done something similar--purchased dishes that a bride had not picked out. My mother had saved and scrimped and purchased dishes she would have loved to have--much as I can hope my friend had done for me (minus the scrimping). I know that my mother meant well and I have come to want to believe the same of the friend who'd bought my dishes for me. That other bride gave the dishes quietly to her mother to store, and after 40 or so years the dishes meandered back to my mother. They're mine now.

I can use them and not doubt the intentions of the giver. I can, instead, remember my mother and her sometimes long-winded impulsiveness. I've been told that women remember everything forever. In my wedding dishes this has been true. I will enjoy my "new ones" and be a bit freer to remember better moments with that long ago friend of mine.

Now, these perfectly serviceable dishes (that were also not on my gift registry) will have two stories. One of my mother and one of me.

Oprah and the Dominicans

Polite, respectful, interested... Those are not words you expect to associate with a daytime TV host and Catholicism. Oprah's interview with the Sisters of Mary this past week was a delightful interlude for those of us more used to being the butt of jokes. (Not that this is bad: humility is good for the soul and watching The View could be considered an act of penance)

Rare as it is, when the media gets us right, we should celebrate. We should encourage. Most of all, we should let them know. So, Oprah, if you are listening: way to go!

Segment 1


Segment 2


Segment 3


Segment 4


If this looks good to you, contact the Sisters here.

To contact Oprah and thank her for treating the Sisters respectfully!

Wifey Wednesday

Today was one of those days. I had so many things scheduled that, although everything got done in a timely fashion, I was stressed out for most of the day.

As I was tag-teaming with my husband--he was coming in while I was going out--I heard myself barking orders at everyone instead of kissing goodbyes.

"Go help your sisters with...

Honey, don't forget we're meeting up
at...

Are you ready yet?...

I need you to..."

I had to stop myself. I was still broiling on the inside with the furor and fervor of an overly scheduled day, but I hugged and kissed and smiled at my brood. My husband could still tell I was stressed, as I'm sure the kids could, but I decided to behave better than that.

As I'm always telling my kids, "Your feelings aren't ruling the roost!" it was nice to actually show them my philosophy in action for once. I was feeling absolutely frazzled. I could have used my emotions as an excuse to drive myself and them into a frenzy, but instead this thought came clear out of the blue: man, I should schedule less stuff on Tuesdays.

This was my "Ah-ha Moment." Not only did we have two morning appointments with people coming to the house (which means chores must be done three hours earlier and not spread out over the day) I'd scheduled a Math test for my oldest, rice and funnel play with my youngers (messy), plus I'd thawed a week's worth of burger to make into meatballs for future dinners (messy and time consuming), all before having to leave for the afternoon appointments half an hour after my husband got home.

What's the matter with me? Yes, it all got done. Yes, the morning and afternoon appointments were all attended to (Not to mention, my husband sold a car in the midst of all this Tuesday induced mayhem).

Tuesdays are naturally busy with several immovable events, but like the untidy pile on the end of the dining room table that grows if not attended to, Tuesday gathers clutter. Partly it is just schedule magnetism. I'll think, "Oh well, I'll be running into town on Tuesday anyway, I can just swing by and..." I don't know if there is some sort of perverse pride or martyrdom in voluntarily adding more and more stress to an already stressful day, but I think I'll pass.

Like now. I'm writing. On Tuesday. I scheduled this to round out the day. I could continue to examine my motives and insights until I come up with something really neat or inspiring, but instead I'm going to bed.

Now that's time well spent.

Teen Guest Blogger: Margaret Ohmes

Abortion Is Wrong!

I believe that abortion is wrong not only because of my religious beliefs but also for medical reasons. I do not think that you are solving anything when you put your life at risk while you take the life of an innocent child(http://www.abortionfacts.com/effects/effects.asp). Post-abortive women often go through great emotional trauma after they have had their abortion(http://www.abortionfacts.com/PAS/PAS.asp). They feel guilty and shameful about the child that they killed. Many of them commit suicide because of their grief. My family and I have a friend who had an abortion when she was nineteen. She said she started to drink because that gave her relief. She said that she still misses the baby that she never had.

In the year 1973 abortion was legalized in the United States of America with the Roe vs. Wade decision. Before this doctors were allowed to perform abortions only when the mother's life was at risk. Records have shown the total abortions done at two different hospitals prior to 1973, St. Luke Hospital and Cornwell Hospital, was 1. If this was a legitimate concern you would expect to find a significant number of legal abortions before 1973. This evidence points to the fact that abortions are unnecessary, especially now that our medical knowledge is so much more advanced.

The law “except to save the mother” really is a contradiction. Post-abortive women are at risk of breast-cancer and heart trouble due to the hormonal aftereffects of abortion. In fact abortionists themselves say that there is no medical indication for partial-birth abortion, a grisly procedure that involves turning a viable baby so that she is born in the breach position and killing her while her head remains in the birth canal (Editor's note: During a partial-birth procedure if a baby accidentally births herself during her struggles and is then killed, it is considered infanticide). There is no such thing as an abortion to save the mother. It is never necessary to kill the child to save the mother. A pro-life doctor I read said, “Doctors who do abortions are oxymorons.”

My religious reasons for opposing abortions is that you are directly disobeying the Sixth Commandment “Thou shall not murder” (Deuteronomy 5, 1-21). No matter how you look at it you are killing a baby. Also in Genesis the Lord commands Noah “have many children so that your descendants may live all over the earth” (Genesis 9, 1). I want to know how are we obeying God when we are killing children daily?

I think that it is as bad as murdering when you vote for a ‘pro-choice’ official (governor, mayor, president, etc.) because you are practically killing those babies killed by the laws they pass or allow to stand. Jessie Romero a lay evangelist probably said it the best, “When you vote for a ‘pro-abortion’ official you have the blood of those babies on your hands.”

I hope that by writing this people will realize the horror of abortion. For those who have had one remember that God is love and that he will forgive the repentant heart.